THIS Step

Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.

I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.

But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"

And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

And then I feel silly for worrying.

Sound familiar?

If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.

Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday. Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying "Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound.  (I wrote a poem this morning that captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog,  HERE.)

Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."

When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.

What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?