A Glimpse of Need

It is so, so good to finally be making a post from the City of Roses! Hello from Portland! 

The past few days have held many little conversations, new directors' training, friendship building, and campus exploring so we can know where we are. Students will begin moving in on Saturday. I move into my dorm on Monday. Though I absolutely LOVE my host family, I cannot wait to be on campus! 

Today Joshua and I explored the inside of several buildings. One of the rooms we discovered was the meditation/prayer room. Going there was the most sobering part of my day. Around the room, there were various meditation stations. Many of the tables included notecards where students could ask questions or post their spiritual thoughts. As I read them, the Spirit was so sad within me yet so glad. Sad because of the deep lostness that saturates this campus like no where I've ever been. Glad because I have the Truth and a mouth and hands and feet to share it with! How much confirmation of my call these provided!

I took pictures of some of the cards so you can get a feel for some of the lostness as well. These are just a few; there were 100+ more notecards like these. I only saw 2 that actually spoke truth. Please join me in praying over these precious, confused ones! 

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

"Hey, Miriam," Kate said. "What if you have to get on a plane without knowing about support and trust that He'll provide as you fly?"

I cringed, thinking, "Lord, please no." Aloud, I said, "Well, I had a dream about that, but I'm still hoping it's not true..."

As many of you know, I have four days until I am to be on a plane headed to Portland! I still have 18% ($545) left to raise.

On Monday, I paid a final visit to see my old North Georgia BCM. Everyone I encountered wanted to know one thing big thing-- WHEN are you leaving? Throughout the night, I kept saying, "Well, I've been aiming for the 15th, but I may have to put that off a bit." And every time I said it, I felt the Spirit saying, "You're not trusting me, again."

After the meeting, I felt strongly that I should read in Ezekiel, that the Lord would give me direction. I told the Lord that Ezekiel seemed like a weird place to find an answer, especially as I read more and more on judgment and angels. I wanted to stop when I had read chapters 1-10 and hadn't gotten anything clear, but the Spirit was so sad when I started to close my Bible that I couldn't stop. I finally found 12: 21-24, 26-28:

And the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, “Son of man, what is this proverb that you have about the land of Israel, saying, ‘The days grow long, and every vision comes to nothing’? Tell them therefore, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: I will put an end to this proverb, and they shall no more use it as a proverb in Israel.’ But say to them, The days are near, and the fulfillmentfn of every vision...For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days,I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord GOD.” For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days, I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord GOD.” “Son of man, behold, they of the house of Israel say, ‘The vision that he sees is for many days from now, and he prophesies of times far off.’ Therefore say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: None of my words will be delayed any longer, but the word that I speak will be performed, declares the Lord GOD.”

It seemed clear that the Lord was telling me to not postpone my leave date. In fact, I felt a little like this might mean a Abraham and Isaac sacrifice moment--having to obey while trusting He would provide After talking with wise people in my life whom I trust walk with God, I decided to buy a plane ticket. For Sunday.

I will be landing in Portland on Sunday at 2PM (PST)!

Yes, it's a little scary to be stepping out and waiting on the Lord to catch me. Yes, I can get those human feelings of "I should probably help Him out a little." But, as a sweet friend shared with me out of A. W. Tozer's The Knowledge of the Holy yesterday:

"Since He is the Being supreme over all, it follows that God cannot be elevated. Nothing is above Him, nothing beyond Him. Any motion in His direction is elevation for the creature; away from Him, descent. He holds His position out of Himself and by leave of none. As no one can promote Him, so no one can degrade Him. It is written that He upholds all things by the word of His power. How can He be raised or supported by the things He upholds?"

 So I release myself to Him. "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." (Ps. 63:8)

Please pray that He will provide (as He already planned to do), that I would have peace and wisdom as I wrap up ends here in Georgia, pack, and spend last days with my family, that I will have opportunities to share His name through safe and uneventful travel, and that Joshua and I will have direction about where we're taking things on campus these first few weeks. There will be a New Director's Meeting for those of us who are beginning campus ministries in the NorthWest area, Monday morning in Portland. I'm excited to finally begin!

Interview on Victory 91.5/Moving Update

As you might remember from reading A Series of Divine Appointments, the Lord gave me an opportunity to share my Portland story on Victory 91.5. Here is a recording of the radio broadcast. Please share it with family and friends!

As for a moving date update, I am still hoping to leave for Oregon on the 15th but still need to raise 24% ($720/month in commitments) between now and then. Please be praying that He will provide in crazy ways through His people! I am in contact with several churches and individuals but I will need a few more contacts before this is complete. I will need His provision, direction, and wisdom very much in these next seven days if I am to reach Portland by Sunday a week from tomorrow!



(Credit for the radio broadcast goes to Victory 91.5 and David and LeAnna Stein; you can visit their webpage at: http://victory915.com)

The Just Shall Live By Faith

Sometimes the pressure is unreal.

Being a missionary means to a lot of well-meaning people that you have it all together, that you have more faith than them, that you don't have days when you want to give up.

That's not true.

But still the pressure's there and so many of us in ministry conform. I've done it; I've witnessed others doing it around me. And if the people pleasing isn't bad enough, we soon start believing the lies ourselves.

Yesterday Pastor Levi preached about the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. If you need a refresher on the story, here's the scripture from Luke 18: 9-17:

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

As Pastor Levi began drawing attention to exactly what the Pharisee was saying, I had to be honest. That sounded a lot like me. The Pharisee was saying, "Look here, God. I did this and this and this and this for You. What are you going to do for me now?" Sometimes this summer, I've subconsciously thought, "Look, Lord. I've been meeting with churches and individuals all summer and I've been praying and I've been seeking to be faithful. Aren't You going to bring me to full support, now?"

Like He owes me anything.

"The just shall live by faith." (Rom 1:17) I've been wanting to live by the faith part so I'd look like I had it together but forgetting the just part. I am not just because of myself or my works. He took the pride, the doubt, the sinful desires, the fear---and changed them into righteousness. He was "merciful to me--the sinner!" Justification. The reason I can live by faith. Because He gave Himself for me and has shown Himself so Faithful. Not because I earned anything.  

That baby at the end of the parable whom Jesus said would enter the kingdom wasn't saying, "Look at all this stuff I've done for you, Jesus!" That baby was resting in the Everlasting Arms that created the world, living out the utter dependance that true faith brings. I want to be like that.

In these coming weeks leading up to my departure for Portland, I want to approach support-raising differently, to go back to what I originally had as my heart when I started this process before I got caught in the lie of performing worthiness instead of praising reliance.

"The just shall live by faith."

Yes, Lord. Thank You.

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How has performing worthiness crept into your thinking, your daily living, your ministry?
How can you pursue a praising reliance?

THIS Step

Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.

I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.

But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"

And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

And then I feel silly for worrying.

Sound familiar?

If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.

Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday. Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying "Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound.  (I wrote a poem this morning that captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog,  HERE.)

Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."

When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.

What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?

A Series of Divine Appointments

A few months back as Taylor and I sat at a high top table in Chick-fil-A studying about the life of David, I noticed a lady approaching our table. I looked up as she introduced herself. "I'm Judy," she said. "I just wanted to thank you girls for studying the Bible together today; it blesses my heart to see you sitting here." We smiled and talked with her for a few minutes about how God was working in our lives. Then she left to rejoin her family at a nearby table. I thanked the Lord for the small, encouraging moments but didn't think much of it.

A month later found me sitting in a different Chick-fil-A after another meeting. As I realized I needed to use the restroom before leaving, I clearly sensed the Spirit say, "Don't go to the restroom right now. Wait." I frowned. Why in the world did the Spirit care when I went to the bathroom? Still, I obliged. Five minutes later, He released me, and I scurried off. In the restroom, I noticed a lady washing her hands. As she turned to me, we recognized each other. After greeting me by name, she asked me, "What is going on in your life? I've been praying for you for a month. I've thought of you much because when I saw you in the Chick-fil-A before, I knew that the Lord is with you." I told her about support-raising. She asked to meet with me further in the near future and gave me her contact info.

I was so amazed at the way the Lord had worked! Just as I'd begun to struggle with support-raising again, He had sent a random stranger in the Chick-fil-A bathroom to ask to hear about my support-raising needs!

Two weeks later, Mrs. Judy got back with me and asked me to come to a ladies' retreat she was doing and share my Oregon story. I did. It was a beautiful weekend of sharing with women from all over GA and AL. I was encouraged and made good connections for future ministry. I felt like God was going above and beyond.

But oh, the Lord wasn't done!

However in the middle of awesome and even more awesome, I experienced the worst day of support-raising I've had all summer. I fell apart before the Lord last Tuesday in despair. It has been a long, stretching summer. I've encountered a lot of apathetic churches and received "no" for an answer more than not. Though God has provided so much, I was struggling with the remaining 35%. I felt like I was hitting walls in every single direction. I felt like I didn't know anyone else to speak with. I had received a no from yet another church. I was worried about September's rent, which I had to pay whether I finished support-raising and moved to Oregon or not. I was frustrated with trying to walk in obedience and feeling like God wasn't doing His part. Or at least I couldn't see it. That day found me flat on my floor crying and being honest with my ever-present Daddy.

Back to the ladies and Mrs. Judy.... not only did the Lord come through in those next 24 hours by using those sweet women to provide my first month's rent TO THE DOLLAR (without them even knowing I'd asked the Lord for it), but He also allowed with me to meet with three of them about my financial needs.

As I sat in the coffee shop with them talking about Oregon, Mrs. Judy handed me an envelope and asked me to read the card aloud. As I neared the bottom of the note, my eyes grew wide as I read the words, "You have women of God praying for you; we will be with you as you share your Portland ministry and vision on Victory 91.5."

"Say what?" I asked.

"Yes, I called them up and asked them to give you a slot. You'll be sharing soon live on the air."

I gulped.

Spirit was laughing. "Remember when you said you didn't know anyone else to talk to? Well, I know everyone. So you just need to chill!"

My mind flashed back to a dream I'd had the night before that I hadn't understood. I had been walking around and around a big white, Southern house. I hadn't known why I was walking around it or where it was but I realized in that moment that the house was the one that the radio station is based in. I had to smile. He was confirming His goodness and will. 

He is crazy!  I will be sharing tomorrow morning, Wednesday, August 28th, at 9AM on Victory 91.5, the Christian radio station for the North Georgia area. I appreciate your prayers not only for my nerves but also that I will speak the words Spirit wants me to speak as I share. Also please pray for the Lord to use this to bring specific individuals to my monthly financial team. I still have $1020/month to raise in 18 days. I am praying that the Lord might complete my financial team through this opportunity so that I can go! That's actually very do-able; if 21 individuals out of all who hear the radio broadcast committed to give $50/month, I would be at 100%! But, ultimately, pray that He will be glorified!

And if the Lord ever tells you to wait and go to the bathroom later... OBEY! =)

Trust Is Not a Feeling

Yesterday marked a month before I am to move to Portland. As I looked at the numbers this ($1100/month to raise in 29 days), I struggled to maintain confidence. As I received yet another "no" from a church this morning, I could help but look up into the face of my Heavenly Father and say, "Why, Daddy?"

His answer was short and simple. "Trust is not a feeling, my daughter. Trust is an action."

He lead me back to a memory from February 11th of this past year--the day a good friend, Kate, and I jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the Pacific Ocean at South Point, Hawaii.

I remembered the four-seconds of intense, exhausting emotions as the gravity pulled my body the full forty feet from the jump to the splash. I remembered looking out at the endless waves on the horizon and feeling small and insignificant. I remembered thinking "Whew! That's over!" as I bobbed back to the surface but then staring up the rusty ladder moving with every wave and realizing that the hardest part was yet to come. I remember getting stuck in fear halfway up the ladder and feeling like I'd be there for the rest of my life.

This was no different.

The gravity of concern pulls me downward at times. The waves make me seem small. When I think I'm almost at the end, everything halts for days and days. It's exhausting.

But trust is not a feeling. Trust is an action. Trust is jumping into the abyss of the unknown and believing that my Daddy's going to catch me at the bottom.

So I jump.