Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.
I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.
But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."
Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"
And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."
And then I feel silly for worrying.
Sound familiar?
If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.
Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from
but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing
that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to
look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I
searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in
Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not
freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a
little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday.
Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding
Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the
Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying
"Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound. (I wrote a poem this morning that
captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog, HERE.)
Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."
When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.
What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
A Series of Divine Appointments
A few months back as Taylor and I sat at a high top table in Chick-fil-A studying about the life of David, I noticed a lady approaching our table. I looked up as she introduced herself. "I'm Judy," she said. "I just wanted to thank you girls for studying the Bible together today; it blesses my heart to see you sitting here." We smiled and talked with her for a few minutes about how God was working in our lives. Then she left to rejoin her family at a nearby table. I thanked the Lord for the small, encouraging moments but didn't think much of it.
A month later found me sitting in a different Chick-fil-A after another meeting. As I realized I needed to use the restroom before leaving, I clearly sensed the Spirit say, "Don't go to the restroom right now. Wait." I frowned. Why in the world did the Spirit care when I went to the bathroom? Still, I obliged. Five minutes later, He released me, and I scurried off. In the restroom, I noticed a lady washing her hands. As she turned to me, we recognized each other. After greeting me by name, she asked me, "What is going on in your life? I've been praying for you for a month. I've thought of you much because when I saw you in the Chick-fil-A before, I knew that the Lord is with you." I told her about support-raising. She asked to meet with me further in the near future and gave me her contact info.
I was so amazed at the way the Lord had worked! Just as I'd begun to struggle with support-raising again, He had sent a random stranger in the Chick-fil-A bathroom to ask to hear about my support-raising needs!
Two weeks later, Mrs. Judy got back with me and asked me to come to a ladies' retreat she was doing and share my Oregon story. I did. It was a beautiful weekend of sharing with women from all over GA and AL. I was encouraged and made good connections for future ministry. I felt like God was going above and beyond.
But oh, the Lord wasn't done!
However in the middle of awesome and even more awesome, I experienced the worst day of support-raising I've had all summer. I fell apart before the Lord last Tuesday in despair. It has been a long, stretching summer. I've encountered a lot of apathetic churches and received "no" for an answer more than not. Though God has provided so much, I was struggling with the remaining 35%. I felt like I was hitting walls in every single direction. I felt like I didn't know anyone else to speak with. I had received a no from yet another church. I was worried about September's rent, which I had to pay whether I finished support-raising and moved to Oregon or not. I was frustrated with trying to walk in obedience and feeling like God wasn't doing His part. Or at least I couldn't see it. That day found me flat on my floor crying and being honest with my ever-present Daddy.
Back to the ladies and Mrs. Judy.... not only did the Lord come through in those next 24 hours by using those sweet women to provide my first month's rent TO THE DOLLAR (without them even knowing I'd asked the Lord for it), but He also allowed with me to meet with three of them about my financial needs.
As I sat in the coffee shop with them talking about Oregon, Mrs. Judy handed me an envelope and asked me to read the card aloud. As I neared the bottom of the note, my eyes grew wide as I read the words, "You have women of God praying for you; we will be with you as you share your Portland ministry and vision on Victory 91.5."
"Say what?" I asked.
"Yes, I called them up and asked them to give you a slot. You'll be sharing soon live on the air."
I gulped.
Spirit was laughing. "Remember when you said you didn't know anyone else to talk to? Well, I know everyone. So you just need to chill!"
My mind flashed back to a dream I'd had the night before that I hadn't understood. I had been walking around and around a big white, Southern house. I hadn't known why I was walking around it or where it was but I realized in that moment that the house was the one that the radio station is based in. I had to smile. He was confirming His goodness and will.
He is crazy! I will be sharing tomorrow morning, Wednesday, August 28th, at 9AM on Victory 91.5, the Christian radio station for the North Georgia area. I appreciate your prayers not only for my nerves but also that I will speak the words Spirit wants me to speak as I share. Also please pray for the Lord to use this to bring specific individuals to my monthly financial team. I still have $1020/month to raise in 18 days. I am praying that the Lord might complete my financial team through this opportunity so that I can go! That's actually very do-able; if 21 individuals out of all who hear the radio broadcast committed to give $50/month, I would be at 100%! But, ultimately, pray that He will be glorified!
And if the Lord ever tells you to wait and go to the bathroom later... OBEY! =)
A month later found me sitting in a different Chick-fil-A after another meeting. As I realized I needed to use the restroom before leaving, I clearly sensed the Spirit say, "Don't go to the restroom right now. Wait." I frowned. Why in the world did the Spirit care when I went to the bathroom? Still, I obliged. Five minutes later, He released me, and I scurried off. In the restroom, I noticed a lady washing her hands. As she turned to me, we recognized each other. After greeting me by name, she asked me, "What is going on in your life? I've been praying for you for a month. I've thought of you much because when I saw you in the Chick-fil-A before, I knew that the Lord is with you." I told her about support-raising. She asked to meet with me further in the near future and gave me her contact info.
I was so amazed at the way the Lord had worked! Just as I'd begun to struggle with support-raising again, He had sent a random stranger in the Chick-fil-A bathroom to ask to hear about my support-raising needs!
Two weeks later, Mrs. Judy got back with me and asked me to come to a ladies' retreat she was doing and share my Oregon story. I did. It was a beautiful weekend of sharing with women from all over GA and AL. I was encouraged and made good connections for future ministry. I felt like God was going above and beyond.
But oh, the Lord wasn't done!
However in the middle of awesome and even more awesome, I experienced the worst day of support-raising I've had all summer. I fell apart before the Lord last Tuesday in despair. It has been a long, stretching summer. I've encountered a lot of apathetic churches and received "no" for an answer more than not. Though God has provided so much, I was struggling with the remaining 35%. I felt like I was hitting walls in every single direction. I felt like I didn't know anyone else to speak with. I had received a no from yet another church. I was worried about September's rent, which I had to pay whether I finished support-raising and moved to Oregon or not. I was frustrated with trying to walk in obedience and feeling like God wasn't doing His part. Or at least I couldn't see it. That day found me flat on my floor crying and being honest with my ever-present Daddy.
Back to the ladies and Mrs. Judy.... not only did the Lord come through in those next 24 hours by using those sweet women to provide my first month's rent TO THE DOLLAR (without them even knowing I'd asked the Lord for it), but He also allowed with me to meet with three of them about my financial needs.
As I sat in the coffee shop with them talking about Oregon, Mrs. Judy handed me an envelope and asked me to read the card aloud. As I neared the bottom of the note, my eyes grew wide as I read the words, "You have women of God praying for you; we will be with you as you share your Portland ministry and vision on Victory 91.5."
"Say what?" I asked.
"Yes, I called them up and asked them to give you a slot. You'll be sharing soon live on the air."
I gulped.
Spirit was laughing. "Remember when you said you didn't know anyone else to talk to? Well, I know everyone. So you just need to chill!"
My mind flashed back to a dream I'd had the night before that I hadn't understood. I had been walking around and around a big white, Southern house. I hadn't known why I was walking around it or where it was but I realized in that moment that the house was the one that the radio station is based in. I had to smile. He was confirming His goodness and will.
He is crazy! I will be sharing tomorrow morning, Wednesday, August 28th, at 9AM on Victory 91.5, the Christian radio station for the North Georgia area. I appreciate your prayers not only for my nerves but also that I will speak the words Spirit wants me to speak as I share. Also please pray for the Lord to use this to bring specific individuals to my monthly financial team. I still have $1020/month to raise in 18 days. I am praying that the Lord might complete my financial team through this opportunity so that I can go! That's actually very do-able; if 21 individuals out of all who hear the radio broadcast committed to give $50/month, I would be at 100%! But, ultimately, pray that He will be glorified!
And if the Lord ever tells you to wait and go to the bathroom later... OBEY! =)
Friday, August 16, 2013
Trust Is Not a Feeling
Yesterday marked a month before I am to move to Portland. As I looked at the numbers this ($1100/month to raise in 29 days), I struggled to maintain confidence. As I received yet another "no" from a church this morning, I could help but look up into the face of my Heavenly Father and say, "Why, Daddy?"
His answer was short and simple. "Trust is not a feeling, my daughter. Trust is an action."
He lead me back to a memory from February 11th of this past year--the day a good friend, Kate, and I jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the Pacific Ocean at South Point, Hawaii.
I remembered the four-seconds of intense, exhausting emotions as the gravity pulled my body the full forty feet from the jump to the splash. I remembered looking out at the endless waves on the horizon and feeling small and insignificant. I remembered thinking "Whew! That's over!" as I bobbed back to the surface but then staring up the rusty ladder moving with every wave and realizing that the hardest part was yet to come. I remember getting stuck in fear halfway up the ladder and feeling like I'd be there for the rest of my life.
This was no different.
The gravity of concern pulls me downward at times. The waves make me seem small. When I think I'm almost at the end, everything halts for days and days. It's exhausting.
But trust is not a feeling. Trust is an action. Trust is jumping into the abyss of the unknown and believing that my Daddy's going to catch me at the bottom.
So I jump.
His answer was short and simple. "Trust is not a feeling, my daughter. Trust is an action."
He lead me back to a memory from February 11th of this past year--the day a good friend, Kate, and I jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the Pacific Ocean at South Point, Hawaii.
I remembered the four-seconds of intense, exhausting emotions as the gravity pulled my body the full forty feet from the jump to the splash. I remembered looking out at the endless waves on the horizon and feeling small and insignificant. I remembered thinking "Whew! That's over!" as I bobbed back to the surface but then staring up the rusty ladder moving with every wave and realizing that the hardest part was yet to come. I remember getting stuck in fear halfway up the ladder and feeling like I'd be there for the rest of my life.
This was no different.
The gravity of concern pulls me downward at times. The waves make me seem small. When I think I'm almost at the end, everything halts for days and days. It's exhausting.
But trust is not a feeling. Trust is an action. Trust is jumping into the abyss of the unknown and believing that my Daddy's going to catch me at the bottom.
So I jump.
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