No Longer a Southerner

My world was swirling as I walked through Hartsfield-Jackson; I was excited to be home for the holidays, but it was all a little overwhelming, really. No one told me about reverse culture shock. 

As I greeted and interacted with others, I realized that the sheer amount of physical touch was an envasion of the personal space I had somehow acquired in the NW. I spoke things more directly than everyone and felt rude by the GA standards that had raised me. Restaurants didn't have an automatic non-dairy option. Someone made a joke about hipsters and another person slighted people not from the South, and I found myself offended. "Those are people whom I love!" I wanted to scream. People assumed I would feel the same way they did about people outside Southern culture, and I didn't. I don't. I've changed. 

I love other cultures, different as they may be from my childhood. I love hipsters. I love Asians. I love Muslims. I love Southerners. 

When I first moved to Portland, I was determined to learn to like Portland culture. "That is what good missionaries do," I thought. So I set off to teach myself. However, cultures clash. Therefore, as I noted the points of Portland culture I needed to learn to like, I also noticed how different they were from the Southern culture I loved and claimed as my own. And I played the comparison game, which was hurtful for my relationships with several people in Portland because in my attempt to love culture, I forgot about the people who operate within in. 

But now as I step back and see things from this perspective, I begin to see what it means to love as Jesus. People-loving results in culture-loving, but culture-loving does not people-loving make. Culture is only part of a person so even if I were to love that culture perfectly, I would only be loving part of the person. But culture is a part of a person so if I love them unconditionally, I love the culture they bring along on our journey together. 

For example, Jenny is not a girl from China whose culture I need to love. No. Jenny is a friend who happens to love eating Thai food, teaching me Chinese words I can never remember, and telling me about Bejing. And I love all of those things because I love her. 

And, with the help of friends who've walked this culture shock journey before, I'm realizing it's the same with me. 

I'm no longer a Southerner. 

I'm not a wannabe Portlander.

I'm just Miriam. 

I'm just a person who loves all people because Jesus first loved me. This world is not my home. And may I never boast in anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ by whom the world has been crucified to me and I to the world. For neither circumcision nor uncircumcision (cultural differences and norms) mean anything; the only thing that matters is a new creation! (Gal 6:14-15)

A new creation by Christ Jesus. 

This is my story, my identity, my life. 

So... Hello, GA! It's good to see you, but you're not better than OR. Neither is OR better than you. You're both places filled with people whom I love. Forever and always. 

The Joy of a Broken Hallelujah

I listened closely to the words of the song "Hallelujah" though I never had really paid attention before. A phrase stuck out to me clearly. "Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

Sometimes in life we do stupid things. Sometimes they are completely accidental but they still worry others. Yesterday was one of those days. I messed up directions while hiking; the girls and guys decided to hike at a different pace and meet at the top, but we girls took the wrong trail. Joshua and Tyler couldn't get a hold of me or Jenn and Kim, the two girls with me, and thought we were hurt, kidnapped, or dead. Meanwhile, we were happily enjoying our hike, the views, and each other's company. We weren't lost, persay, but we weren't on the correct trail, either. When we got back in range for good service, we called Joshua, who we quickly learned was very worried, had spent a while searching for us, and was about to send park rangers after us. 

When I heard he was worried, I braced myself for anger, too. I braced myself for a lecture on how to do it better next time. I braced myself to feel dumb. Instead, when we met back up with him and Tyler, they were so relieved. When I tried to apologize, he said, "No. I should have never left you. And I'm just glad you are okay." 

His response rocked my world.

As I pondered his response and heard the words to "Hallelujah" last night, I realized that I have had a flawed view of God. I tend to assume that when I mess things up I should brace myself. When in reality, He extends that same kind of grace to my soul, and I do not need to fear.

"Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." 

The line stuck out to me because Joshua's unconditional care wasn't because I did all the right things and won victoriously. It was in that brokenness (when I'd messsed up) that he still showed compassion and "sang an hallelujah" over us formerly "lost" hikers. No "I told you." No anger. No humilitation. Just this unconditional care for our well-being despite ourselves. 

It's called Grace. 

You know, Someone Else "sang an hallelujah" over me one other time when I was lost. Jesus sang a "cold and broken hallelujah" over us at the cross. He set aside His victory-march-against-Rome-ready crown and died in my place. The King of kings rejoicing over me through the pain with singing.

It's called Grace. 

 

And this got me to thinking. Do I, in turn, sing a broken hallelujah over others? When various non-Christian students here showcase their brokenness, do I dwell on the annoyance it may cause me or the wrongness of their actions?  Or do I "sing an hallelujah" over them? When my Christian brothers and sisters fail, do I sing or scoff, bless or break, give grace or grief?

I want to sing more often. To praise the Lord for them and be grateful for the ways that they challenge me and the opportunties being among them brings for the furtherance of the gospel. I might not be perfect while I'm doing it, but I will offer my own brokenness to the Ultimate Hallelujah Singer. 

He is Gracious, indeed. Hallelujah!

When Life Feels Like Heart Surgery

Allow me to share a piece of truth with you: missionaries are FAR from perfect. 

These past two months in Portland have felt like one long continual process of open heart surgery. Without anesthesia. Through this journey, the Lord has revealed so many things about my heart and given me constant ways I need to change in order to be able to reveal Christ in me in this place. I would like to share seven with you. 

#1: Complaining, even disguised as conversation about culture shock, brings resentment. There is a reason Philippians 2:14-16 enourages us to "do all things without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life." I have struggled through culture shock in this place, but instead of taking those cares and casting them upon the Lord and bringing an offering of thanksgiving for this place, I have often been caught comparing life here to life in GA. While GA is a pretty cool place, I have had to come to grips with the fact that Oregon is just as cool of a place and THIS is where God has me in this season. I am called to be all in HERE. He is working in and through me HERE. Just because Oregonians don't do life the same doesn't mean that their culture doesn't give me something to praise God for HERE. When people see me constantly comparing OR to GA but then they hear me say that I believe God called me here, they hear me say that I am not content with God's choices, that I don't trust Him to choose what is best, that I am challenging their upbringing here as not as good as mine. Though this has not been my intention, I have had to learn these things the hard way. 

#2: Listening to others' advice and Biblical wisdom is key to success. Early on in my time here, Joshua told me I needed to stop comparing OR to GA. Had I humbled myself and quit being stubborn long enough to listen, I could have avoided a lot of the things I am having to go back and fix now. Very reflective of Proverbs 11:2: "With pride comes shame, but with the humble is wisdom."

#3: Students are people and friends--NEVER ministry projects. One thing is super clear in all of our records of Jesus' life. Everyone He met was a person made in the image of God, and He treated them as such. Never were people projects to fix or challenges to conquer. I am not the focus of ministry.  My success is not the point of ministry. "So then neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters, but God who gives the increase."  (I Cor 3:7)

#4: The heart is deceptive, and if I don't watch my motives, I will get off track. We don't really always know what our hearts are saying. "The heart is decietful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart; I test the mind..." I have been learning throughout my time here that building friendships with people has to be a heart-searching process. It can't be about self, manipulation, control, or fulfillment of desire. It has to be about Jesus, about selfless, honest, and purity-focused love, and about vulnerable, grace-and-truth-filled compassion. 

#5: Fighting for people's trust means I have to be trustworthy. Trustworthy equals vulnerability, patience, and pure motives. Trust is not just allowing others to see my heart; it is just as much allowing them to show me theirs in their time. I can't force someone to give me the puzzle pieces of their life. Trust isn't something I earn for doing all the right things; it's not a math problem. Trust is a gift. 

#6: "You have to make worldly friends in order to see them become godly friends." Faith, my spiritual mama here in Portland, shared these words with me yesterday and they hit home with me. It's easy to want to walk away from uncomfortable conversations here because living in a culture with values so different from what I am used to, those conversations abound. But I am learning to instead love, pray, and listen through them. If I want people to share their real lives with me, I must be willing to listen to their real lives and share from my real life--struggles and all. 

#7: I can't ride on what I've believed since childhood; I have to know the reason AND be able to explain it. Colossians 4:5-6 tells us to "Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." So often I have floated on the "always with grace" part of that verse; in a Southern context, where more people are familiar with the Bible as a result of geographical "Bible-belt" culture, sometimes that is enough. But here it is most definitely not. I have been challenged both by students and by Joshua as he encourages me through and walks alongside me in situations and conversations with students to know the reasons. This is a slow growth process that has been put on steriods in my life recently because the culture requires that I know and that I can explain. 

Even though these past two months have been the most overwhelming and adjustment-filled of my life, I am grateful that He continues to work in me. Through it all, He is proving Himself Faithful in this place. An update of that nature still to come! 

Faithful through the Pain

As many of you know, these past weeks have held a myraid of emotions and struggle.  Von Rogers, one of my campus ministers through college and one of the campus ministers who mentored me last year, discovered that she had Hodgkin's Lymphoma in early June; though she tried very hard to fight through chemo, she went on to live in our sweet Savoir's presence on Monday, October 21st. 

These past few weeks have been a battle for me. The classic question of "Why does God take good people and leave the evil?" has been playing through my mind and heart. This is the first death of someone close to me where I've been far enough along in my faith to wrestle with the Lord and be honest with Him about my struggle. 

As I have sought answers this past week and a half, the Lord has continuously shown His power. Simply saying, "I'm way beyond what you can comprehend." This morning I finally found what I've been searching for in two scriptures that I would like to share with you all. 

The first is Job 9:12-16: 

"If He takes away...who can say to Him, "What are you doing?"

Yes. Hard as that is to accept, YES. 

Because He is a past-finding-out kind of God. 

The second scripture passage is Psalm 78:34-35: 

Through this scripture passage, the Lord showed me how Von's death has ultimately driven me to His presence like I haven't been driven in a long time. In a sense, God has used not only Von's life to impact me spiritually but her death as well. He has used it to remind me once more how much my heart longs for Him, how much I need Him, how much He has to be my EVERYTHING on this road of campus ministry. 

Von was my college Mama Junior and Senior year; her faith showed me the reality of Christ when I was struggling with my own faith.  She was with me when I realized that campus ministry was God's call on my life. She was my mentor and co-leader as I led my first missions trip with students. She was the one who first heard about my dreams and then who later looked up pictures of PSU with me to find the dreams were true. She was the first person to say she wanted to be a supporter. She always seemed to text me that she was praying for me about EXACTLY what was going on that day, even if I hadn't previously told her; she listened to the Spirit. And now, even though she cannot be physically be with me, she has sped me into my Father's presence once more. 

Thank you, sweet Von. I love you. You will always impact me. 

Thank You, Abba. I love You. You are too kind. You truly do things past finding out. 

Forever Amen and Amen.   

To Be A Little Different

The crazy people were in the Park Blocks today. And by "crazy people", I don't mean the mentally instable. I mean these people--

Some of you might be thinking, "That's awesome! They are acting unashamed of their faith and preaching the gospel on the streets." 

But no. Quite the opposite. Because Portland doesn't know Christianity as Jesus. Portlanders know Christianity and Jesus as "the crazy people-haters." Portlanders are well aware of these people and their tactics. Portlanders' responses are not interest or heart-change. Their response is either walking past quickly or yelling back openly. And the street preachers' responses to such are no better; they fall to faulty arguments and sweeping generalizations and treat people with no respect. 

The Park Blocks are public green space that runs down the middle of campus. As public property, they are a free speech area. Many different groups come to rally their cause. As I walked into the Park Blocks this afternoon and saw and heard the ruckus, my heart was saddened. I meandered in and out of the crowd, talking with students. "What do you think of what that guy is saying?" I would ask. Then patiently listen as they spat out anger and bitterness. Afterward, I would be able to share with them about the life Jesus brought me--not just death and judgment. Death is Satan's thing: judgment is God's thing. Life, through His mercy, is my thing.  My job is to share hopeful truth. And my desire is to share through meaningful, respectful relationships with those who want answers. But I don't have answers. It is tempting for me to get out my spiritual hammer and nail people by telling them all the things they are doing that aren't right. But I'm learning that always backfires, and I end up hitting my own fingers. I'm just as imperfect, only I have the Spirit living within me to give me life. It's all Him. Not me. 

As I talked with people in the crowd, I met Macy and Jared, Josh and David--all students who needed Jesus. Each of them left me with the comment, "You are a different Christian." I thought back to one of my first conversations with my agnostic roommate in which she made the comment. "We were worried you were going to be like the people in the Park Blocks. We thought you were going to be weird. But you're a different kind of weird than we thought." 

How are you being "a different kind of weird" in your cultural context? I would love to hear your stories! 

A Glimpse of Need

It is so, so good to finally be making a post from the City of Roses! Hello from Portland! 

The past few days have held many little conversations, new directors' training, friendship building, and campus exploring so we can know where we are. Students will begin moving in on Saturday. I move into my dorm on Monday. Though I absolutely LOVE my host family, I cannot wait to be on campus! 

Today Joshua and I explored the inside of several buildings. One of the rooms we discovered was the meditation/prayer room. Going there was the most sobering part of my day. Around the room, there were various meditation stations. Many of the tables included notecards where students could ask questions or post their spiritual thoughts. As I read them, the Spirit was so sad within me yet so glad. Sad because of the deep lostness that saturates this campus like no where I've ever been. Glad because I have the Truth and a mouth and hands and feet to share it with! How much confirmation of my call these provided!

I took pictures of some of the cards so you can get a feel for some of the lostness as well. These are just a few; there were 100+ more notecards like these. I only saw 2 that actually spoke truth. Please join me in praying over these precious, confused ones! 

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

"Hey, Miriam," Kate said. "What if you have to get on a plane without knowing about support and trust that He'll provide as you fly?"

I cringed, thinking, "Lord, please no." Aloud, I said, "Well, I had a dream about that, but I'm still hoping it's not true..."

As many of you know, I have four days until I am to be on a plane headed to Portland! I still have 18% ($545) left to raise.

On Monday, I paid a final visit to see my old North Georgia BCM. Everyone I encountered wanted to know one thing big thing-- WHEN are you leaving? Throughout the night, I kept saying, "Well, I've been aiming for the 15th, but I may have to put that off a bit." And every time I said it, I felt the Spirit saying, "You're not trusting me, again."

After the meeting, I felt strongly that I should read in Ezekiel, that the Lord would give me direction. I told the Lord that Ezekiel seemed like a weird place to find an answer, especially as I read more and more on judgment and angels. I wanted to stop when I had read chapters 1-10 and hadn't gotten anything clear, but the Spirit was so sad when I started to close my Bible that I couldn't stop. I finally found 12: 21-24, 26-28:

And the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, “Son of man, what is this proverb that you have about the land of Israel, saying, ‘The days grow long, and every vision comes to nothing’? Tell them therefore, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: I will put an end to this proverb, and they shall no more use it as a proverb in Israel.’ But say to them, The days are near, and the fulfillmentfn of every vision...For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days,I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord GOD.” For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days, I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord GOD.” “Son of man, behold, they of the house of Israel say, ‘The vision that he sees is for many days from now, and he prophesies of times far off.’ Therefore say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: None of my words will be delayed any longer, but the word that I speak will be performed, declares the Lord GOD.”

It seemed clear that the Lord was telling me to not postpone my leave date. In fact, I felt a little like this might mean a Abraham and Isaac sacrifice moment--having to obey while trusting He would provide After talking with wise people in my life whom I trust walk with God, I decided to buy a plane ticket. For Sunday.

I will be landing in Portland on Sunday at 2PM (PST)!

Yes, it's a little scary to be stepping out and waiting on the Lord to catch me. Yes, I can get those human feelings of "I should probably help Him out a little." But, as a sweet friend shared with me out of A. W. Tozer's The Knowledge of the Holy yesterday:

"Since He is the Being supreme over all, it follows that God cannot be elevated. Nothing is above Him, nothing beyond Him. Any motion in His direction is elevation for the creature; away from Him, descent. He holds His position out of Himself and by leave of none. As no one can promote Him, so no one can degrade Him. It is written that He upholds all things by the word of His power. How can He be raised or supported by the things He upholds?"

 So I release myself to Him. "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." (Ps. 63:8)

Please pray that He will provide (as He already planned to do), that I would have peace and wisdom as I wrap up ends here in Georgia, pack, and spend last days with my family, that I will have opportunities to share His name through safe and uneventful travel, and that Joshua and I will have direction about where we're taking things on campus these first few weeks. There will be a New Director's Meeting for those of us who are beginning campus ministries in the NorthWest area, Monday morning in Portland. I'm excited to finally begin!

Interview on Victory 91.5/Moving Update

As you might remember from reading A Series of Divine Appointments, the Lord gave me an opportunity to share my Portland story on Victory 91.5. Here is a recording of the radio broadcast. Please share it with family and friends!

As for a moving date update, I am still hoping to leave for Oregon on the 15th but still need to raise 24% ($720/month in commitments) between now and then. Please be praying that He will provide in crazy ways through His people! I am in contact with several churches and individuals but I will need a few more contacts before this is complete. I will need His provision, direction, and wisdom very much in these next seven days if I am to reach Portland by Sunday a week from tomorrow!



(Credit for the radio broadcast goes to Victory 91.5 and David and LeAnna Stein; you can visit their webpage at: http://victory915.com)

The Just Shall Live By Faith

Sometimes the pressure is unreal.

Being a missionary means to a lot of well-meaning people that you have it all together, that you have more faith than them, that you don't have days when you want to give up.

That's not true.

But still the pressure's there and so many of us in ministry conform. I've done it; I've witnessed others doing it around me. And if the people pleasing isn't bad enough, we soon start believing the lies ourselves.

Yesterday Pastor Levi preached about the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. If you need a refresher on the story, here's the scripture from Luke 18: 9-17:

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

As Pastor Levi began drawing attention to exactly what the Pharisee was saying, I had to be honest. That sounded a lot like me. The Pharisee was saying, "Look here, God. I did this and this and this and this for You. What are you going to do for me now?" Sometimes this summer, I've subconsciously thought, "Look, Lord. I've been meeting with churches and individuals all summer and I've been praying and I've been seeking to be faithful. Aren't You going to bring me to full support, now?"

Like He owes me anything.

"The just shall live by faith." (Rom 1:17) I've been wanting to live by the faith part so I'd look like I had it together but forgetting the just part. I am not just because of myself or my works. He took the pride, the doubt, the sinful desires, the fear---and changed them into righteousness. He was "merciful to me--the sinner!" Justification. The reason I can live by faith. Because He gave Himself for me and has shown Himself so Faithful. Not because I earned anything.  

That baby at the end of the parable whom Jesus said would enter the kingdom wasn't saying, "Look at all this stuff I've done for you, Jesus!" That baby was resting in the Everlasting Arms that created the world, living out the utter dependance that true faith brings. I want to be like that.

In these coming weeks leading up to my departure for Portland, I want to approach support-raising differently, to go back to what I originally had as my heart when I started this process before I got caught in the lie of performing worthiness instead of praising reliance.

"The just shall live by faith."

Yes, Lord. Thank You.

------------------------------------------------------

How has performing worthiness crept into your thinking, your daily living, your ministry?
How can you pursue a praising reliance?

THIS Step

Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.

I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.

But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"

And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

And then I feel silly for worrying.

Sound familiar?

If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.

Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday. Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying "Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound.  (I wrote a poem this morning that captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog,  HERE.)

Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."

When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.

What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?

A Series of Divine Appointments

A few months back as Taylor and I sat at a high top table in Chick-fil-A studying about the life of David, I noticed a lady approaching our table. I looked up as she introduced herself. "I'm Judy," she said. "I just wanted to thank you girls for studying the Bible together today; it blesses my heart to see you sitting here." We smiled and talked with her for a few minutes about how God was working in our lives. Then she left to rejoin her family at a nearby table. I thanked the Lord for the small, encouraging moments but didn't think much of it.

A month later found me sitting in a different Chick-fil-A after another meeting. As I realized I needed to use the restroom before leaving, I clearly sensed the Spirit say, "Don't go to the restroom right now. Wait." I frowned. Why in the world did the Spirit care when I went to the bathroom? Still, I obliged. Five minutes later, He released me, and I scurried off. In the restroom, I noticed a lady washing her hands. As she turned to me, we recognized each other. After greeting me by name, she asked me, "What is going on in your life? I've been praying for you for a month. I've thought of you much because when I saw you in the Chick-fil-A before, I knew that the Lord is with you." I told her about support-raising. She asked to meet with me further in the near future and gave me her contact info.

I was so amazed at the way the Lord had worked! Just as I'd begun to struggle with support-raising again, He had sent a random stranger in the Chick-fil-A bathroom to ask to hear about my support-raising needs!

Two weeks later, Mrs. Judy got back with me and asked me to come to a ladies' retreat she was doing and share my Oregon story. I did. It was a beautiful weekend of sharing with women from all over GA and AL. I was encouraged and made good connections for future ministry. I felt like God was going above and beyond.

But oh, the Lord wasn't done!

However in the middle of awesome and even more awesome, I experienced the worst day of support-raising I've had all summer. I fell apart before the Lord last Tuesday in despair. It has been a long, stretching summer. I've encountered a lot of apathetic churches and received "no" for an answer more than not. Though God has provided so much, I was struggling with the remaining 35%. I felt like I was hitting walls in every single direction. I felt like I didn't know anyone else to speak with. I had received a no from yet another church. I was worried about September's rent, which I had to pay whether I finished support-raising and moved to Oregon or not. I was frustrated with trying to walk in obedience and feeling like God wasn't doing His part. Or at least I couldn't see it. That day found me flat on my floor crying and being honest with my ever-present Daddy.

Back to the ladies and Mrs. Judy.... not only did the Lord come through in those next 24 hours by using those sweet women to provide my first month's rent TO THE DOLLAR (without them even knowing I'd asked the Lord for it), but He also allowed with me to meet with three of them about my financial needs.

As I sat in the coffee shop with them talking about Oregon, Mrs. Judy handed me an envelope and asked me to read the card aloud. As I neared the bottom of the note, my eyes grew wide as I read the words, "You have women of God praying for you; we will be with you as you share your Portland ministry and vision on Victory 91.5."

"Say what?" I asked.

"Yes, I called them up and asked them to give you a slot. You'll be sharing soon live on the air."

I gulped.

Spirit was laughing. "Remember when you said you didn't know anyone else to talk to? Well, I know everyone. So you just need to chill!"

My mind flashed back to a dream I'd had the night before that I hadn't understood. I had been walking around and around a big white, Southern house. I hadn't known why I was walking around it or where it was but I realized in that moment that the house was the one that the radio station is based in. I had to smile. He was confirming His goodness and will. 

He is crazy!  I will be sharing tomorrow morning, Wednesday, August 28th, at 9AM on Victory 91.5, the Christian radio station for the North Georgia area. I appreciate your prayers not only for my nerves but also that I will speak the words Spirit wants me to speak as I share. Also please pray for the Lord to use this to bring specific individuals to my monthly financial team. I still have $1020/month to raise in 18 days. I am praying that the Lord might complete my financial team through this opportunity so that I can go! That's actually very do-able; if 21 individuals out of all who hear the radio broadcast committed to give $50/month, I would be at 100%! But, ultimately, pray that He will be glorified!

And if the Lord ever tells you to wait and go to the bathroom later... OBEY! =)

Trust Is Not a Feeling

Yesterday marked a month before I am to move to Portland. As I looked at the numbers this ($1100/month to raise in 29 days), I struggled to maintain confidence. As I received yet another "no" from a church this morning, I could help but look up into the face of my Heavenly Father and say, "Why, Daddy?"

His answer was short and simple. "Trust is not a feeling, my daughter. Trust is an action."

He lead me back to a memory from February 11th of this past year--the day a good friend, Kate, and I jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the Pacific Ocean at South Point, Hawaii.

I remembered the four-seconds of intense, exhausting emotions as the gravity pulled my body the full forty feet from the jump to the splash. I remembered looking out at the endless waves on the horizon and feeling small and insignificant. I remembered thinking "Whew! That's over!" as I bobbed back to the surface but then staring up the rusty ladder moving with every wave and realizing that the hardest part was yet to come. I remember getting stuck in fear halfway up the ladder and feeling like I'd be there for the rest of my life.

This was no different.

The gravity of concern pulls me downward at times. The waves make me seem small. When I think I'm almost at the end, everything halts for days and days. It's exhausting.

But trust is not a feeling. Trust is an action. Trust is jumping into the abyss of the unknown and believing that my Daddy's going to catch me at the bottom.

So I jump.

Let Wisdom Serve the City

The first thing I noticed on the Portland State campus when I visited was this:

 

In bold caps was the university's motto: "LET KNOWLEDGE SERVE THE CITY."

I remember talking with Jesus as we walked under it, thinking that the phrase was reflective of the hopelessness on campus, as if knowledge was the highest thing one could obtain. I knew right then that I was supposed to go to this place.

However, I hadn't really thought much of  that phrase until this past Monday night, when I had a chance to go back to the campus ministry I interned with this past year and be a part of their summer Bible study. Ken, my campus minister, shared about wisdom and the fear of the LORD.

He focused in on Proverbs 1: 7: " The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." Some people buck a bit at that verse. "Fear the LORD?" they say. "We shouldn't fear the LORD! God is loving and kind. He is forgiving. He wants us to experience joy and peace." Others say, "Yeah! That's what we need to do! This generation doesn't fear the LORD enough! They are all going to experience God's wrath!"

Both extreme attitudes are not what the scriptures are pointing us to. The no-fear, freedom model puts us in a position that disregards the need for the gospel, takes for granted the sacrifice of separation from the Father that Jesus made for us on the cross, and makes it easy to sin for we disregard it's weight by saying, "God will forgive me."  The all-fear model puts us in a position that disregards the beauty of the gospel, sends people running from the Father, and makes us judgmental, legalistic, and full of bitterness and anger. 

Think with me for a minute. 

The first word to ponder is FREEDOM. Make a mental list of some characteristics of God that give us freedom, that make it easier to trust in Him and be in relationship with Him.

Got your list? Well, here's some of mine (maybe you have others; please comment and share them!)...

I know I can have FREEDOM because God is:
Loving, gracious, merciful, kind, patient, peaceful, gentle, forgiving...

Now, another word for you--FEAR. Make another mental list of some characteristics of God that should lead us to fear Him. 

Here's my list:
I know I must FEAR because God is: 

holy, just, sovereign, perfect, righteous, my Maker, Sustainer of all life...

The Hebrew word for "fear" means to stand in awe of the Exalted. It doesn't mean to shake in dread and flee in terror. If we have that proper understanding of the word, we can understand how having the "fear of the LORD" doesn't separate us from a loving relationship of freedom in Christ Jesus. Rather, it gives us a proper perspective on Who the Father is as the perfect balance of Awe-Inspiring Exalted King and our Heavenly Daddy.

What does this have to do with Portland State, you ask?

Well, it is my great desire that students at Portland State come to know Jesus Christ and walk in a right relationship with Him. I Cor. 1: 30 says,

 "And because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption."

If the fear of the LORD--the attitude of reverence for the LORD we obtain as we rightly know His character--is the beginning of wisdom and the Wisdom of God is Jesus Christ and "Him crucified" (I Cor. 1:23), then our foundational principle as a campus ministry (and as believers in general) must be to teach the character of God.

And so I begin, as any writer would, to create a Bible study to use in the fall. Please pray for me as I brainstorm, write, edit, and prepare. My goal is to create a Bible study that would grab the attention of unchurched nonbelievers who have little to no knowledge of the scriptures, much less wisdom from believing the God of the scriptures. I want to answer the question, "Who is God?" and tell the attributes of God through story, incorporating both O.T. and N.T. stories in a narrative that teaches God's character, ultimately culminating with God's character of being "righteousness, sanctification, and redemption" (I Cor. 1:30). I've never written a Bible study for non-believers before. I know it is going to be quite the challenge for this Bible-belt, raised-with-Christian-jargon-from-the-womb, Southern girl to set aside all of that and try to imagine what is like to not understand who Abraham is or what the word "sanctification" means. I know I'm going to have to watch every word and tone I use; I don't want to talk over their heads or down to them. I need prayers for a lot of balance! It will be a challenge, but I know that I need this tool (and the practice) for the fall and so I begin!

And so I need your help! What is your favorite attribute of our God? And why? How does that attribute point toward the cross? Please comment and share, even if your favorite attribute is the same as someone else's! You never know how your comment might help jump-start my thoughts and set me off on a journey to tell some precious students about Jesus!

By the way, I got one more major thing out of Ken's Bible study the other day. I had been praying about a motto for our campus ministry. Now I have it!

"Let Wisdom Serve the City." 

"...We seek to impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away.  But we impart a secret and hidden Wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages ... As it is written, 'No eye has seen, nor has ear heard,  nor has the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him!"  (I Cor. 2: 6-7,9)

Yes, and Amen.

By His Grace Alone: How The Lord Called Me To Campus Ministry

When I tell my story to people, I normally share how the Lord called me to campus ministry in Oregon not necessarily how He called me to campus ministry in general. Today someone asked me that and I thought back on those two days that the Lord made it clear that campus ministry was the ministry field He wished to use me in.

Taylor and I meeting for Bible study on BCM's front lawn.

I think it started with Taylor Watson. That's typical, really. A lot of things have started with Taylor Watson for me this past nine months. (For those of you who do not know, Taylor is one of the girls I have had the incredible privilege to disciple this year. She is a new believer and an incredible, passionate, faith-filled woman of God. Every meeting with her challenges me to my core because she asks deep questions of the why behind the why, helping me take things I've believed and known for years and apply them to daily living in a way that helps me to return to my First Love. How thankful I am for her!)

And so Taylor and I were meeting on Tuesday, November 12 and she began asking me about the Christmas story. I soon realized no one had ever told her the full story. And it rocked my world. As the thoughts swirled through my brain and I tried to keep my mind focused so I could tell the story, I thought "she's 18; she grew up in Jasper. This isn't China! Where have the Christians been?"

When Taylor left BCM that day, I sat down and wept.  I was thrilled to have seen the joy and wonder with which she took in the Christmas story and to know that she knew about how Jesus had come to be Emmanuel. But I was also in despair because no one had told her before.

As I sobbed out to Abba my frustrations, I felt an ever-growing passion within me. In response to my grief, God answered, "These are the ones I've called you to, the ones I've given you a crazy love for; you'll do this again, over and over."

I think at that point I didn't really process what He was saying.  The next 24 hours were a blur. Someone close to some of Staff had died; several of the girls I was discipling had major things happen in their families; one of my best friend's grandmother was really sick; we were decorating the BCM House for our Parent's Night at Christmas and if something could go wrong, it had. Spending three hours trying to get a large wreath to hang from the 20 foot beam with braided floral wire was the straw that broke the camel's back. I went to the bathroom and laid flat on the tile. I told the Lord I couldn't take anything else that night. Just as I said that, I heard my name. Someone was calling for me and they brought me a crying Freshman. I remember looking up into Abba's face going, "Lord, we just talked about this. I can't give anymore." But He said, "Listen." So I did. And her story broke me even more. I didn't have the answers, I couldn't fix it all, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't.

But He could.

And so somehow, someway, I spoke words that only the Holy Spirit could've given my weary soul and mouth. They must have been of some comfort for she left with a smile.

I, on the other hand, laid on the floor of my bedroom, crying and questioning every calling to ministry I had ever experienced. And after I got it all out, after I told Him that I didn't know why in the world He chose to use me, after I told Him I didn't know anything about how to be a good campus minister, after I'd just shown that all the knowledge I had was diddly-squat, THEN He spoke again, "These are the ones I've called you to, the ones I've given you a crazy love for. You'll do this again, over and over."

And so here I am.  By His grace alone. Soon, in faith, to be a campus minister at Portland State University.

A campus minister who can't wait to tell the Christmas story!

The Reality of Ministry: Deserts

Sometimes in ministry, we tend to try to beautify everything to make it seem like we, the leaders, have it all together. But allow me to let you in on a little secret. (We don't have it any more together than Joe Smith.)

And so sometimes we go through deserts in our spiritual walk. And oftentimes, those deserts seem to come at the most inopportune times imaginable.

Like right now.

You'd think that since I'm in the middle of support-raising for the ministry God has called me to and preparing to move across the country, readying to serve a week at camp soon, doing a Bible study with my little sisters and two friends, etc. that I would have my head in the clouds and my heart on the mountain tops. But sometimes the Lord doesn't work that way. He gives us dry spells to make us ever-aware of our desperate need for Him. And He waits for us to know ever more deep down in our souls that He is truly the only Water that can satisfy our thirsty, longing hearts.

As a partner with you in the gospel, I never want to become that lofty, "I'm-going-to-act-so-spiritual-so-you-don't-think-"why-are-we-supporting-her?" person. That doesn't give Jesus glory at all and is therefore, ridiculousness! So I'm committing right now to be real.

And right now the real world is this: I'm in a desert. And in a flood. All at once.

(If you're wondering what in the world I'm talking about, you can read my poem explaining here:  Desert Flood)

And yet the flip side of that real world is this: God is in the desert, too. And in the flood. He is the Sand Who exfoliates the dead skin cells of our heart and makes us soft and usable. He is the Living Water Who gives us strength to carry on. He is the Rock amidst the change. He is the Provider of every need. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is Joy. He is Man of Sorrows. He is Ever-Faithful Father. All at once.

Praise Him. Desert or no desert, it is well with my soul!

The Skeptic's Club Encouraged Me In Campus Ministry

"If someone had taken the time Freshman year to explain to me how God could actually be real or answered my questions about science and the Bible in Sunday School, I might still believe. But now? Now I have science; that's all I need."
~Elgin, Atheist from the North GA Skeptic's Club

Few moments have confirmed my call to campus ministry to me more than the moment when Elgin shared the above statement with us in Skeptic's Club a few weeks ago. I first decided to go to Skeptic's Club back in January when the Lord told me I was supposed to go "outside the camp [my comfort zone and Christian bubble], bearing His reproach." (Hebrews 13:13) I went to listen at first, just to give them a section of my day and understand why they believe what they believe. Then the Lord opened doors to share the gospel in crazy ways!

Skeptic's Club discussions

This was the last meeting of the semester and my friend Taylor and I expected there to be a large turn-out for Skeptics, as they were picking their officers for next year. Instead, God had a different plan. Only Elgin showed. So we sat and talked about science and God for the next two hours with this Atheist who had once led worship at his church as a youth but had been disillusioned by his upper-level science classes. All I could think as I sat there was "if someone had taken the time Freshman year...if someone had taken the time Freshman year....if someone had taken the time Freshman year...I might still believe." 

This is who the Lord has called me to go to. Those mold-able college students who have never heard the truth and who need REAL answers.  Those precious Freshman who have grown up in church but are struggling to make sense of how the Truth of the Bible and the World's Philosophy fit together (or don't). Those seeking Sophomores who are beginning to grow cold toward anything religious because no one will take the time to explain or talk to them like they are adults. Those stretched Juniors who are feeling the pressures of upper-level classes, relationships, or family life. Those stressed Seniors who are choosing their life work, who want to do something that matters in this world but aren't really sure if anything truly matters anymore.

These are who God has called me to love. And I'm so very glad!

I never thought when I began going to the N. GA. Skeptics Club that I would one day say I'd miss those rascals. But I do. They have taught me more than they know about how to defend truth and how much I need Jesus! God has used them to break down pride in my life and to show me that I didn't know what I was talking about so He could rebuild me by His Word. They have helped me learn a small piece of what it means to be Jesus' hands and feet. I have loved it!

I recently joined the Facebook page for the Portland State University Skeptics Club. I know what I'm going to be doing with Wednesday afternoons come September! I couldn't be happier!

Pray for:
--those who heard truth in Skeptics club this year, knowing that the Lord's word does not return to Him void.
--those students who will continue to reach out in Skeptic's club next year. Pray that not only would he prepare those who are willing now but also raise up more people to love on them for the kingdom!
--those in the PSU Skeptic's Club whom the Lord will give me opportunity to engage with in a few short months, that He will already begin preparing them to hear and receive the truth.
--me as I prepare to be "ready to give an answer" over the summer. I am currently reading a book called 5 Minute Apologetics for Today and studying the scriptures and science topics found within it so I can be better able to share answers from both a rational and Biblical, informed perspective.

Support-raising lessons from Haggai

After taking time to pray and prepare for support-raising, I officially began contacting churches and individuals two weeks ago. Today I had the opportunity to have my first official support-raising meeting; I met my church missions committee to discuss my calling to Portland and vision for PSU. Please be in prayer for them as they make decisions in the next week or so about how the Lord may lead Concord to support me next year and be a part of the immeasurably more that I know God has in store for Portland!

Before the meeting, I was rather nervous and shaky, just because I was unsure of how the meeting would go seeing how it was my first. This morning, I was in a hurry to prepare for our meeting, so rather than read in the Minor Prophets like I have been in my regular Bible study, I only read a Psalm. Though that was very encouraging, I knew I needed to spend some more time with the Lord before going into the support-raising meeting. The Lord brought to mind that I was supposed to be in Haggai this morning as well as the Psalm and said, "Read Haggai." And as many of you might think as well, I was sitting there thinking, "Haggai?! Out of all the books in the Bible, I'm supposed to read Haggai?"

But let me tell you, I think Haggai might just be one of my favorite books of the Bible, now! Because Haggai rocked my world!

At first, it was really discouraging, because the people of Israel aren't listening and so the Lord is telling them He's going to take all their wealth away in chapter 1. And so I was sitting there wondering what in the world the Lord was trying to do. But then I got to chapter 2! I'd like to share verses 4b-9 with you:

"'...be strong, all you people of the land,’ says the Lord, ‘and work; for I am with you,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘According to the word that I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt, so My Spirit remains among you; do not fear!' “For thus says the Lord of hosts: 'Once more (it is a little while) I will shake heaven and earth, the sea and dry land; and I will shake all nations, and they shall come to the Desire of All Nations, and I will fill this place with glory,’ says the Lord of hosts. 'The silver is Mine, and the gold is Mine,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘The glory of this latter temple shall be greater than the former,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘And in this place I will give peace,’ says the Lord of hosts.”

From these verses, the Lord reminded me that I needed to take my focus off of me and my needs and focus on the ministry He has called me to and His glory! And why need I worry about His glory? His glory as the Great I AM is already in existence--always has been and always will be!

That is my confidence. He will never lose the glory. He can't. He IS Glory.

The Great I AM.

Praise Him with me, won't you?

Visit to Portland

Back in early March, I had the opportunity to visit Portland and attend a support-raising conference. Not only did it give me an opportunity to see the campus and meet some of the people I will be working with, but it gave me even more of a burden for those there on campus and increased my desire to be there! Here are some pictures of campus and the city!

A Day at PSU video

 For anyone who might want to get a glimpse of what Portland State looks like!

AAAHHHHH!!!

I JUST BOUGHT A PLANE TICKET TO VISIT OREGON!

In the past few days, several pieces of the puzzle have begun falling together. I will be raising support through NorthWest Collegiate Ministries (NCM), a non-profit, tax-deductible organization (a 501C3). On March 7th and 8th, the NorthWest Baptist Convention is hosting a support-raising school which will teach me valuable information about the process. I will also get a chance to visit and explore this city which is soon-to-be my mission field! I will be in Portland from Wednesday night the 6th-Sunday evening the 10th. Please pray for safe travels and that my time there would be fruitful. Also pray for me as I prepare and do the homework pre-travels--both that I will learn all that I need to and that I will know the balance between preparation for the future and being "all in" with my ministry here at North Georgia; these next few weeks promise to be full and stretching ones!

Still can't believe I'm bound for Oregon two weeks from tonight! Our God's plans are CRAZY sometimes!

Introduction

Precious friends,
As many of you know, I have been serving as the Baptist Collegiate Ministries (BCM) intern at the University of North Georgia this past school year. In November, the Lord confirmed my call to campus ministry and began laying the Western region on my heart. Throughout ministry this year, I have realized how very blessed we are here in the South with 55 BCMs in the state of GA, numerous churches, and multiple, willing servants. However, the Western region is not only the most unreached but also the most understaffed. Collegiate ministries are scarce.
In recent months, I have specifically been praying about the state of Oregon, specifically Portland State University. In Oregon, there are approximately 650,000 college students, 80% of which do not claim to have any religious beliefs at all. The culture is very much "pre-Christian" (will be explained in a later post) and approximately 1 gospel-preaching church exists for every 36,000 people. The most wide-spread religions of those who do claim affiliation with church are Catholicism and Mormonism. 
On Friday night, I finally surrendered to the Lord's leading in this area after weeks of fighting with Him over fear of support-raising. Because of a the lack of believers who live in the Pacific North Western region, there are no funded positions available for campus ministers filling open positions in Oregon. Please be in prayer for me as I begin this long and learning-filled process! Many crucial conversations will be happening in the coming days. Though I know that I do not fully understand yet what I've been called to, I trust that when I humble myself in the sight of the LORD, then He will lift me up! (I Peter 5:8)
Love you all and appreciate each one of you!
That His glory might be revealed,
Miriam