When Campus Ministers Love College Students Too Much

I'm not ashamed to say I love college students. And there's not really anything you could do to get me to change that. I do believe that God placed a deep love for university-aged young adults in my heart--and as the children's song would say it--down in my heart to stay.

But this past weekend, I sat completely broken in an empty parking lot and sobbed. The words of frustration came in torrents as I spoke all the poison that had been building for months. After a while of hurling other random frustrations aloud to the Lord, I finally busted out this confession:

"Abba, I HATE summer. I feel so useless. I need schedule. I don't know what to do without my students. I--"

The world seemed to halt as I felt silent. I heard my own words. "I don't know what to do without my students."

I took a deep breath. "That's what this whole thing is about, isn't it?" I felt God smile. He does truly rejoice when we finally realize the truth: somewhere along the way, I had begun to find my identity in my college students.

Ridiculous? Absolutely.
Insane? As much as the roller-coaster lives they live.
Why? (That's a good question.)

With my identity in my students, my mood has shifted with every day on campus; my thoughts have been jumbled with the ever-shifting flow of events and schedules. I have felt hopeless when students aren't growing as fast as I feel they should; I've made myself a god to judge their progress; I've hurt them as I've pushed them at my pace  and with my directions and not His. And in that, I've loved them TOO MUCH... if too much love is really love.

These past 48 hours I've been asking God to alter my gaze from myself and my students to His sacrificial love. Every time I felt joy or sadness emerge, I'm asking myself, "Where is this stemming from?" If it's stemming from something other than Jesus and an acknowledgement of all He has given me and mine, it is purely prideful, dangerously shallow, constantly shifting, and simply selfish. And that's not what true love looks like.

I must love--not too much--but fully. And that comes first from abiding in His love's fullness. "So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him" (I John 4:16)

I desire to love college students, but my ultimate desire is that they would know Jesus.  If my "love" for them gets in the way of Jesus' love for them, I might as well hate them. Oh, that He would create in me a heart clean to be a fellow vessel and not a dam! I do not gain energy by my students growth, but instead I need Someone bigger than me to change any of our realities--whether reaching out to pour us out or fill us up.

No more need summer be a time of despair. These are days full of abiding and serving, just like the school year. These are days of preparation, joy, and hope. These are days ordained by my Father before the foundation of the world. These are days to love fully!

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." (John 15:9-11)

As if He knew I needed a reminder of His mercy, He sent a sunset to that lonely, tear-washed parking lot. The words of Lamentations 3:22-24 filled my soul: "The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul. 'Therefore I have hope in Him.'" And yet the Lord took it farther. "My mercies don't wait until morning to be new, child," He said. "Every sunset is a testament to you of that." What wondrous Love is this, oh my soul!

My soul waits silently for God alone--for my expectation is from Him. (Ps. 62:5)

Lessons in Spirit-Led Leadership

This past semester has been a full one--full of joy, full of grief, full of expectation, full of awe, full of lessons.

God has had a lot to teach me this semester about Leadership and what it means to be "Spirit-led."
And He continues, of course.

At the beginning of the year in January, I knew Joshua and I were losing our student leadership team. I knew it had been happening for a long time when I began sharing new vision and ideas in September. I tried so hard to change that every leadership meeting. I knew from their obvious faithfulness and commitment to Christ that they wanted to be a part of His work. And I wanted them to understand more fully how excited I knew the Holy Spirit was about His work in this place. I would speak with joy and anticipation, eagerly sharing His goodness with them, pouring everything my soul could handle into as encouraging of a speech as possible.

Again. And Again. And Again. 

One of them would be exhilarated, ready-to-go; the other three would look at me, hopeful but with a look of "I don't know what you are talking about" lingering in their eyes. I would leave leadership meeting exhausted once again, wondering why I had failed yet again. I'd given it everything!

So I cried "Why, God? What am I doing wrong?"

And then one day, one of the leadership students echoed me. "Mom," one of them addressed me in my usual nickname that always makes me smile. "What are we doing wrong? We invite and try hard, but no one is coming. I feel like NCM isn't going anywhere."

My heart sank. I had lost them. But how? But why?

I decided to ask. "What do you think we could do to make it better?"

His response was so clear, "I know you are excited, Mom. And I know God has given you a vision of where we are going and that it is beautiful. I can see it when you talk with us. I know you are the leader God wants to lead us there because you seem to always know we are moving. But I can't see it. I don't know what to measure it by. I don't know how I can be a part of getting to the end." He sighed. "I don't know what I personally am supposed to do everyday. So I find myself not doing anything."

In one second, I saw staff meeting after staff meeting, leadership after leadership meeting flash through my mind's eye. I saw the moments last year where I would leave a planning meeting with Joshua super frustrated because I felt like he would never understand. I saw the moments when I knew we were losing the student leadership team and felt helpless. And it dawned on me.

I was trying to communicate with them all like they were Miriam. Like I was the center of the universe.

Over the past few weeks, God has been showing me a lot about how leadership requires humbly leading differently according to how various students need to be led.

One of the leadership students is like me. Shep is big-picture, conceptual, more of a feeler, comfortable floating in and out of people's stories, knowing all along that God will bring the story to it's needed end.

The other three are detail-oriented, literal, fact-based, comfortable creating a long term plan out of short term ones, calculating their time out wisely to get to the desired end.

And so now when I present information at leadership meeting, I am learning to present it both ways. I am learning to dream in big-picture fashion first because that is what is natural to me and helps me grasp hold of the energy I need to encourage them. But then I begin the process of asking them questions and helping them break it down into more accomplish-able strategy that those who need facts can grasp and throw their all into.

Because it takes us all.

God designed each of our brains differently, and He uses us to balance each other beautifully. Alongside the spiritual gifts and personality types, learning styles are also a valuable piece of the effective Body of Christ.

Last year, I arrogantly approached the different views Joshua and I had in ministry with the attitude that Joshua "just wasn't relying on the Spirit enough."  I had in my head that relying on the Spirit meant just feeling Him directing you in the moment and obeying. That's what I do everyday and it works for me in the way that I interact with Him. But through all of this, I've realized that is not the only way to interact with the Spirit. I believe that Joshua, Cody, Karissa, and Ryan all rely on the Spirit in their lives and commune with Him as they serve the Lord. They are incredible leaders full of His abiding presence! But their approach to walking in that presence means inviting the Spirit into the planning process, asking Him in advance of the moment about the details, the time, the strategy. And that is just as spiritual, just as holy, just as Biblical.

And we can learn from each other. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the details, of the prioritization of goals. Sometimes others need encouragement to jump fully into every situation, even if it wasn't on the list today.

I'm grateful that God chose to create us uniquely and fill us with His Spirit.
I'm grateful that He forgives my arrogance and allows me to continue to serve as I grow daily.
I'm grateful that NCM is moving--rapidly--toward amazing things as He completes His perfect work.
I'm grateful that we don't have to be losing heart or arguing or flailing, but "rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." (Ephesians 4:15-16)

But I'm most grateful that Christ is Leader enough for us all!

Finding Grace

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).

As I was studying this passage earlier this week, the words "receive mercy" and "find grace" stuck out to me. The author could have written "receive mercy and grace" or "find mercy and grace" but no--he wrote "receive mercy and find grace."

This drove me to the Greek to see what the difference in the two verbs could be in the original and what this could mean for us. What I found was interesting!

Receive--Gk: λαμβάνω lambanō: to lay ahold of any person or thing in order to use it; to take what is already one's own.

Mercy--Gk: ἔλεος eleos: kindness or good will towards the miserable and the afflicted, joined with a desire to help them.

Find--Gk: εὑρίσκω heuriskō: to practice and experience; to find out for one's self.

Grace--Gk: χάρις charis: goodwill, favor, of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting His holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ; keeps, strengthens, increases them in the Christian faith, knowledge, and affection; and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian values.

In essence, receiving mercy only requires the accepting, but grace builds upon the accepting by putting the grace into action through practice. God freely bestows mercy and grace (a result of mercy) upon our lives every day and it is by no means earned, but we choose whether we practice and experience it. We choose the finding.

Grace is simply Mercy working out on a daily run.  Receiving Mercy says "I'm forgiven and set free" and Finding Grace says "I'm going to live like it." Too often we stop at the receiving.

How are you finding grace today?

Watch It, Church!

"You also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect." (Luke 12:40)

She blurted the words out through pain, "I'm just ready for Jesus to come back, Miriam. The world's going more and more downhill, and I don't want to be here. I'm just praying He comes soon and takes us all out of here!"
I took a deep breath. "I know it's difficult to see and hear of the pain in the world right now, but I'm not ready for Jesus to come back; I have friends who don't yet know Jesus. I pray He delays judgment."
She sighed. "Well, I don't have any friends like that so I'm ready."

~ ~ ~

I sat with another friend in an empty coffee shop. Her words pierced me to my inner core. "Miriam, this is a unreachable generation; there's no point in trying to reach them. We're casting pearls before swine. Scripture says to wait for His coming. So that's what I'm doing. Just waiting. And hoping He comes tomorrow. I've been reading about heaven, and I've just decided that I want to go there instead."
My heart wanted to break.

~ ~ ~

He spoke words I'd grown all too accustomed to hearing the past few months. "Miriam, the signs of the times point toward His coming, and I'm ready for His return. I'm sick of this mess, of people going after all their sinful ways, of those opposed to Christianity seeking to destroy the church. Why doesn't Jesus just return already? We'd be better off."
My whole frame threatened to shake with the grief that swelled up within me. I wanted to scream, "What happened to the church?"

~ ~ ~

Why doesn't Jesus come back already, anyway? He ended Revelation with "Surely I come quickly", didn't He? This generation has rejected Him already, right?

I've realized as I pondered on these conversations for the past few weeks, that this has actually become a much-more widespread attitude within the Church than I've ever realized before. Are you just hanging out in this world, coasting to the finish line and hoping it's as soon as possible?

I'd like to turn your attention to 2 Peter 3:9:12, 14-18.  I believe Peter gave us very valuable insight into this question the Church seems to be asking left and right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed. Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness, waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God...Therefore, beloved, since you are waiting for these, be diligent to be found by him without spot or blemish, and at peace. And count the patience of our Lord as salvation, just as our beloved brother Paul also wrote to you according to the wisdom given him, as he does in all his letters when he speaks in them of these matters. There are some things in them that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unstable twist to their own destruction, as they do the other Scriptures. You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

Jesus also gave us another insight, commanding that we don't just wait, but that we "watch therefore, for we do not know neither the day nor the hour." (Matthew 25:13) Watching requires engagement.

Engagement in what?
 
Simple as these may feel, there are three main reasons for why Jesus has left us awaiting His coming. Basic truths of our faith? Yes. But basic truths the Church as a whole seems to often have forgotten or thrown aside. And none of them allow for passive siting and wishing. Are you willing to engage in the action?

Jesus leaves us here today to watch because:

1.His desire is that EVERYONE would come to know His salvation. Jesus is less concerned with the Church's present comfort and more concerned with the future destination of the rest of the world who are on a path toward eternal separation. What are we actively choosing to do each day to take the focus off ourselves and on to others? We are commanded to "walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of time." (Col. 4:5) When is the last time you shared your faith? Do you have active relationships with non-believers? If you answered no, stop reading right now, GO to a local place where people gather in your community and MAKE ONE. Start today. Not tomorrow. We're not promised tomorrow. There is no excuse for any believer to not have non-believing friends. I cannot emphasize this enough. 

2. He desires that we grow in Him, understanding more of His grace and the knowledge of Him. Jesus is less concerned with you "enduring" this world until you finally make it to His presence and more concerned with revealing His presence in this very day.  Jesus asked the Father to send the Spirit, and we "know Him for He dwells with us and will be in us." (John 14:17) How have you paused to notice His presence and grow in your knowledge of how incredible our God is today?

3. He desires that we encourage others to realize His presence. Jesus is less concerned with you filling your schedule to the brim with good Christian activities, and more concerned with you intentionally investing specifically in a few people. He requires mercy before sacrifice, people before projects. After being "strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus," we are to entrust all that we learn of Jesus to others who will be able to in turn "teach others also." (2 Timothy 2:1-2)

As I am sitting here writing this, I am listening to a random playlist of instrumental music. Just as I begin to wonder how I am to conclude this, an all-too-familiar (my favorite) and loved Christmas song, "Joy to the World", starts playing in my ears. I cannot help but smile, friends. We sing these words at Christmas with gusto, but perhaps we need to sing them today, right in the middle of August. Will you allow yourself to take them to heart? 

 Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Will you place yourself out in the world and proclaim His love, truth, and grace despite the curse? The Curse's greatest desire is for you to sit still passively waiting, BUT "thanks be to God Who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! Therefore, my friends, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord, your labor is not in vain." (I Cor. 15:57-58)

We weren't meant to simply wait, but to wait AND watch. Watch it, Church!

Burn The Ships

I'm sitting in the Albuquerque, New Mexico airport waiting to be picked up by a van full of college students and fellow campus ministers whom I love dearly. We're headed to Collegiate Week at Glorieta Christian Camp, where several thousand college students and their leaders will worship together this week. I'm stoked! I might be excited a little because of camp (I LOVE camp!), but mainly I'm excited because:

It's the Beginning of Year Two.  

Today as I flew across the U.S., I reflected on this last year and this summer. I thought about what I would name these months if I had to give them a title. Without a doubt, I would give them the over-arching title: The Call To Be Courageous.

Last year was hard, y'all. Although I now desperately love the City of Roses, let's face it; there were many times I wanted to give up and go back to GA.

There was the fact that I moved 3000 miles away from my family. 

I left that day for Oregon with $80 to my name needing to feed, house, and transport myself for two weeks before I would get my first check from supporters. 

One of my spiritual moms and good friends died of cancer five weeks into the journey. 

I built all new friendships in every arena from the ground up (and in the process, stumbled quite a bit).

Culture shock was in full swing and with it many new philosophies to seek to discern Truth about.

I first had three roommates who didn't love Jesus--or me. 

Joshua and I had no idea how we were going to connect with students, much less start any consistent ministry. 

And the list could go on.

While I've been home in GA this summer, people have said over and over: "I don't know how you moved there all by yourself; I couldn't do that."  Do you know what my response is to that? 

Actually, you could.

You have the potential to be very, very brave. 

Do you know how I know that? Because our heavenly Father gave us the command to "Be strong and courageous, and do not be afraid." (Josh 1:9) And He doesn't give commands He doesn't give us a choice and the ability through the Sprit to obey. 

Therefore, I can have confidence that you could have the bravery to move to Portland. Or to Russia. Or to Timbuktu. Or to walk over to your neighbor's house and ask them over for dinner so they can experience Jesus through your family. Or to speak kind words of Peace to that cashier who just threw your eggs down the conveyor belt because she's struggling with the meaning of life today. 

You can be courageous. Or you can live life paralyzed with insecurity and fear while calling that life your "comfort zone." 

Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on toes. I can live with that. As the pastor of my sending church in GA says, "If you don't want your toes stepped on, don't do things that sticks them out in the aisle!" 

Be Courageous. 

It won't be easy. Year Two will have it's own set of struggles for our NCM and me personally in Portland and elsewhere. But let me share one thing I've learned that makes it better. 

It was the year 1519 and Hernán Cortés and his 600 men set sail for the New World. Their goal: conquer Mexico. They had high hopes and dreams--until it came time to fight. Then the men were afraid. They asked to turn back. To go back to where they came from. Cortés came up with a military strategy that has been questioned by historians for centuries. He spoke three words: "Burn the ships." With nowhere to retreat, the answer was clear for the whole group--fight and win or die trying. 

Last year I fought a lot of ships. The ships are the excuses we give God. Among many excuses, I told Him "Lord, I'm not like these people; You don't really want a Georgia girl here." 

Oh but He did. And He does. For some crazy unknowable reason, He does. And so I look forward to this new year, with all it's changes, it's joys, and it's struggles with great expectation. He Who has begin a good work will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. 

What kind of excuses are you giving Him today? Perhaps you're saying whatever you know He wants you to do costs too much. Do you know Him as Jehovah Jireh, our Provider? Maybe you don't feel you know enough. Do you realize He is our Rabbi, our Teacher?  Perhaps you're saying that if you reach out to your neighbors, it might be awkward or your children may encounter attitudes you don't want.  Do you trust that if He tells you to open your home, He will provide grace and opportunity for your whole family to grow together through discussion of real-world circumstances? 

Burn those ships. 

(This blogpost is just as much for me as it is for each of you. Come October I'm sure I'll need to review this little lesson. Maybe sooner! Feel free to ask along the way whether I'm following my own advice.)

Cortés' men had a little more to worry about; their leader was fallible and victory was uncertain. Our Guide is Eternally Perfect and our victory has already been won!

Be courageous. Fix your eyes upon Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith. He is an ever present Help and fearless Leader. 

And the Lord said, "Make Vegan Smores!"

Ever have one of those days when you're a jerk and anything but like Jesus? 

Yeah. I had one of those yesterday. 

Worse yet, I had that moment with Joshua, my co-campus minister, and Karissa, one of our leadership students, there to view the whole thing. Goodness.  

Karissa first had the idea of doing an event called "Good S'mornings" a few weeks ago (and I've been proud to see her pursue carrying it out!). The idea is that we will love campus by making s'mores before morning classes, which will open up opportunities for conversing and building relationships. We are planning to do a test run on May 28th, and if it goes over well, we'll continue it regularly next school year as a part of our outreach and publicity. We've been planning our budget this week, looking at costs for not only regular s'mores but also some gluten-free, vegan ones because of the audience we serve here in the NorthWest. 

Enter grouchy Miriam.

It turns out vegan s'mores are three times as expensive as regular ones. And that was frustrating me. In my moment of utter non-dependancy on the Lord for provision and my extreme judgment on people with different values than me, I made a lot of non-Jesus like comments yesterday about the making of vegan s'mores, saying, among other embarrassing things I don't care to repeat, that we should just scrap the idea because those people needed to get over it anyway. 

Bless my heart.

Joshua and Karissa stuck to their guns, correcting me about my non-Jesus-like attitude and claiming that we should still do vegan smores. Praise the Lord for them! As Joshua has said before, they were graciously attempting "to keep me from the whole fish gut experience." I walked away knowing they were correct but still stubbornly claiming, "Well, I don't have to be happy about it while I am doing it!" 

Bless my heart. 

Then...what to my wondering eyes should appear this morning in Bible study? Did you know that there is a verse in the Bible about vegan smores? I didn't either! But apparently the Lord felt it necessary to show me this morning. It actually comes from the passage that was my theme verses for this whole ministry launch back last September. Funny how that works. 

Isaiah 58:6-12:

 “Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke?

 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house;

when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily;

your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.

 Then you shall call, and the Lordwill answer; you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’

If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,

 if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,

then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday.

 And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;

you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in.

It was the Lord's way of saying, "If you pour yourself out for the hungry..." POUR YOURSELF OUT, Miriam. Not do the bare minimum. The bare minimum for Jesus was death on the cross. That was Him being your sacrifice. But no. He rose from the dead. He went beyond the requirement of the law (blood sacrifice) to bring you eternal life. Do you love like that?"

And as if that wasn't enough for me to get the point, I am also reading out of Ruth 2 today.  I've read the story of Ruth dozens of time, but what sticks out to me today? The fact that Boaz goes beyond what he had to do by law. Doesn't just let Ruth glean, but gives her water, food, and protection, even telling his servants to leave extra for her. 

There it is. Pour yourself out. Extra.

1Timothy 6:18-19 sums it up: 

Believers are "to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that others may take hold of that which is truly Life."

Pour yourself out. Extra. Generous. Vegan smores. Those are all synonyms for me today. 

What are the synonyms in your life today?  

I Drank My Coffee Black: Lessons From the Portland Journey

I'm writing from Blue Kangaroo, a coffee shop near my home in SouthEast Portland. As I sip on my medium roast, I reflect on how the Lord has been changing my heart over these past few months; the cup in my hand really speaks to the issue.

When I moved to Portland, I greatly disliked coffee. In my stubborn pride, I looked in disdain at every cup all these Portlanders drank. That stuff was bitter and wasn't to my liking. So was tea. And I told people so. 

Then one day in October, I was standing in line at a Starbucks waiting to get coffee with a student and I randomly felt like the Holy Spirit told me to get a mocha instead of my typical hot cocoa.  I didn't want to, but the next thing I knew, I'd paid the cashier for a mocha with soy and I was sitting at my table with my undesired beverage. My student had heard me order and was on the verge of a heart attack from the excitement of me finally learning to drink coffee. I tried it. It wasn't bitter. It actually....wasn't all that bad. 

Weeks turned into months and slowly I began to wean myself off the sweeter coffees until last week when the moment of truth came. Sitting with that same non-believing student, I drank my first whole cup of black coffee. And it was delicious! She asked me what had made me change my mind. The Spirit brought my coffee journey full circle as I had opportunity to speak freely about Jesus through these two things I've learned:

1. Bitter isn't always bad.

Neither is a gray cloudy sky. Or rules. Or even death. Each of these contrasts their opposite: sweetness, sunshine, grace, life. Without them, we wouldn't have a proper knowledge of the world and our blessings. And with them, we get to experience new dimensions of the fullness of joy He has for us here. Bitterness adds new possibilities for our tastebuds. Gray has so many beautiful shades and turns the Willamette river silver. Rules create a framework for organized living. And death can finalize a life well lived and usher a redeemed child into the Presence of God. 

2. Love must be relevant.

Until a couple of weeks ago, quite a few precious brothers and sisters in Christ had tried to get this across to me (you know who you are--THANK YOU), but I had such an attitude, I couldn't see the truth the Lord was literally screaming through them, trying to get my attention.  Then on March 1st, Ken, Joshua, and I went to Seattle for a conference on how to better reach international students. One of the speakers said:

 "Don't look at your international students as a group of people who need charity or pity because they didn't grow up in the U.S. Praise God they didn't grow up here! They have a different and unique world view; God has given you an incredible opportunity to learn by bringing the diversity of His heart right to your community. Humble yourself. Learn. And love AFTER you learn about the ways they connect to God. To try to teach them God from your worldview alone is futile; you want them to be able to not only grasp and accept Jesus as their Savior but to be able to carry Him back to their cultural contexts." 

The Lord used that comment to shake some sense into me. And it hadn't just been in international ministry that I'd expressed the "they just have to get used to the way I love" mentality. It had manifested itself many places, even with people from my own childhood culture. Sometimes love looks like a cup of coffee, that I've learned to actually enjoy, along with this cultural context I'm learning to call home. Sometimes love looks like eating grape leaves diped in olive oil and vinegar with a smile for the sake of the gospel even if a piece of me is dying with every chew; it looks like trying it again...and again...because I refuse to be hindered in ministry because my tastebuds are trying to run my life. Sometimes love means learning to appreciate video games so I can connect with my students who love them. Sometimes love is staying out of someone's bubble because they are not a hug person, even though I am. It's not about how I feel or what I want. If I desire to encourage, sometimes I need to first stop throwing up discouragement on them by my complaining, and then begin to listen to find how to build them up. Love can't be demanded, manipulated, or used. If I'm truly seeking to love them, it's not about me--it's about them and it's about Jesus.

It is my desire that as we walk our separate journeys, the Lord will grow us all in these areas of faith. I pray that I will continue to be open to His changing my heart, as I know I still have a long way to go in learning to love like Jesus. 

For love seeks not her own. 

Lord, let it be true. 

And begin in me. 

Maybe I should tackle green tea next...

No Longer a Southerner

My world was swirling as I walked through Hartsfield-Jackson; I was excited to be home for the holidays, but it was all a little overwhelming, really. No one told me about reverse culture shock. 

As I greeted and interacted with others, I realized that the sheer amount of physical touch was an envasion of the personal space I had somehow acquired in the NW. I spoke things more directly than everyone and felt rude by the GA standards that had raised me. Restaurants didn't have an automatic non-dairy option. Someone made a joke about hipsters and another person slighted people not from the South, and I found myself offended. "Those are people whom I love!" I wanted to scream. People assumed I would feel the same way they did about people outside Southern culture, and I didn't. I don't. I've changed. 

I love other cultures, different as they may be from my childhood. I love hipsters. I love Asians. I love Muslims. I love Southerners. 

When I first moved to Portland, I was determined to learn to like Portland culture. "That is what good missionaries do," I thought. So I set off to teach myself. However, cultures clash. Therefore, as I noted the points of Portland culture I needed to learn to like, I also noticed how different they were from the Southern culture I loved and claimed as my own. And I played the comparison game, which was hurtful for my relationships with several people in Portland because in my attempt to love culture, I forgot about the people who operate within in. 

But now as I step back and see things from this perspective, I begin to see what it means to love as Jesus. People-loving results in culture-loving, but culture-loving does not people-loving make. Culture is only part of a person so even if I were to love that culture perfectly, I would only be loving part of the person. But culture is a part of a person so if I love them unconditionally, I love the culture they bring along on our journey together. 

For example, Jenny is not a girl from China whose culture I need to love. No. Jenny is a friend who happens to love eating Thai food, teaching me Chinese words I can never remember, and telling me about Bejing. And I love all of those things because I love her. 

And, with the help of friends who've walked this culture shock journey before, I'm realizing it's the same with me. 

I'm no longer a Southerner. 

I'm not a wannabe Portlander.

I'm just Miriam. 

I'm just a person who loves all people because Jesus first loved me. This world is not my home. And may I never boast in anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ by whom the world has been crucified to me and I to the world. For neither circumcision nor uncircumcision (cultural differences and norms) mean anything; the only thing that matters is a new creation! (Gal 6:14-15)

A new creation by Christ Jesus. 

This is my story, my identity, my life. 

So... Hello, GA! It's good to see you, but you're not better than OR. Neither is OR better than you. You're both places filled with people whom I love. Forever and always. 

The Joy of a Broken Hallelujah

I listened closely to the words of the song "Hallelujah" though I never had really paid attention before. A phrase stuck out to me clearly. "Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

Sometimes in life we do stupid things. Sometimes they are completely accidental but they still worry others. Yesterday was one of those days. I messed up directions while hiking; the girls and guys decided to hike at a different pace and meet at the top, but we girls took the wrong trail. Joshua and Tyler couldn't get a hold of me or Jenn and Kim, the two girls with me, and thought we were hurt, kidnapped, or dead. Meanwhile, we were happily enjoying our hike, the views, and each other's company. We weren't lost, persay, but we weren't on the correct trail, either. When we got back in range for good service, we called Joshua, who we quickly learned was very worried, had spent a while searching for us, and was about to send park rangers after us. 

When I heard he was worried, I braced myself for anger, too. I braced myself for a lecture on how to do it better next time. I braced myself to feel dumb. Instead, when we met back up with him and Tyler, they were so relieved. When I tried to apologize, he said, "No. I should have never left you. And I'm just glad you are okay." 

His response rocked my world.

As I pondered his response and heard the words to "Hallelujah" last night, I realized that I have had a flawed view of God. I tend to assume that when I mess things up I should brace myself. When in reality, He extends that same kind of grace to my soul, and I do not need to fear.

"Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." 

The line stuck out to me because Joshua's unconditional care wasn't because I did all the right things and won victoriously. It was in that brokenness (when I'd messsed up) that he still showed compassion and "sang an hallelujah" over us formerly "lost" hikers. No "I told you." No anger. No humilitation. Just this unconditional care for our well-being despite ourselves. 

It's called Grace. 

You know, Someone Else "sang an hallelujah" over me one other time when I was lost. Jesus sang a "cold and broken hallelujah" over us at the cross. He set aside His victory-march-against-Rome-ready crown and died in my place. The King of kings rejoicing over me through the pain with singing.

It's called Grace. 

 

And this got me to thinking. Do I, in turn, sing a broken hallelujah over others? When various non-Christian students here showcase their brokenness, do I dwell on the annoyance it may cause me or the wrongness of their actions?  Or do I "sing an hallelujah" over them? When my Christian brothers and sisters fail, do I sing or scoff, bless or break, give grace or grief?

I want to sing more often. To praise the Lord for them and be grateful for the ways that they challenge me and the opportunties being among them brings for the furtherance of the gospel. I might not be perfect while I'm doing it, but I will offer my own brokenness to the Ultimate Hallelujah Singer. 

He is Gracious, indeed. Hallelujah!

When Life Feels Like Heart Surgery

Allow me to share a piece of truth with you: missionaries are FAR from perfect. 

These past two months in Portland have felt like one long continual process of open heart surgery. Without anesthesia. Through this journey, the Lord has revealed so many things about my heart and given me constant ways I need to change in order to be able to reveal Christ in me in this place. I would like to share seven with you. 

#1: Complaining, even disguised as conversation about culture shock, brings resentment. There is a reason Philippians 2:14-16 enourages us to "do all things without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life." I have struggled through culture shock in this place, but instead of taking those cares and casting them upon the Lord and bringing an offering of thanksgiving for this place, I have often been caught comparing life here to life in GA. While GA is a pretty cool place, I have had to come to grips with the fact that Oregon is just as cool of a place and THIS is where God has me in this season. I am called to be all in HERE. He is working in and through me HERE. Just because Oregonians don't do life the same doesn't mean that their culture doesn't give me something to praise God for HERE. When people see me constantly comparing OR to GA but then they hear me say that I believe God called me here, they hear me say that I am not content with God's choices, that I don't trust Him to choose what is best, that I am challenging their upbringing here as not as good as mine. Though this has not been my intention, I have had to learn these things the hard way. 

#2: Listening to others' advice and Biblical wisdom is key to success. Early on in my time here, Joshua told me I needed to stop comparing OR to GA. Had I humbled myself and quit being stubborn long enough to listen, I could have avoided a lot of the things I am having to go back and fix now. Very reflective of Proverbs 11:2: "With pride comes shame, but with the humble is wisdom."

#3: Students are people and friends--NEVER ministry projects. One thing is super clear in all of our records of Jesus' life. Everyone He met was a person made in the image of God, and He treated them as such. Never were people projects to fix or challenges to conquer. I am not the focus of ministry.  My success is not the point of ministry. "So then neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters, but God who gives the increase."  (I Cor 3:7)

#4: The heart is deceptive, and if I don't watch my motives, I will get off track. We don't really always know what our hearts are saying. "The heart is decietful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart; I test the mind..." I have been learning throughout my time here that building friendships with people has to be a heart-searching process. It can't be about self, manipulation, control, or fulfillment of desire. It has to be about Jesus, about selfless, honest, and purity-focused love, and about vulnerable, grace-and-truth-filled compassion. 

#5: Fighting for people's trust means I have to be trustworthy. Trustworthy equals vulnerability, patience, and pure motives. Trust is not just allowing others to see my heart; it is just as much allowing them to show me theirs in their time. I can't force someone to give me the puzzle pieces of their life. Trust isn't something I earn for doing all the right things; it's not a math problem. Trust is a gift. 

#6: "You have to make worldly friends in order to see them become godly friends." Faith, my spiritual mama here in Portland, shared these words with me yesterday and they hit home with me. It's easy to want to walk away from uncomfortable conversations here because living in a culture with values so different from what I am used to, those conversations abound. But I am learning to instead love, pray, and listen through them. If I want people to share their real lives with me, I must be willing to listen to their real lives and share from my real life--struggles and all. 

#7: I can't ride on what I've believed since childhood; I have to know the reason AND be able to explain it. Colossians 4:5-6 tells us to "Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." So often I have floated on the "always with grace" part of that verse; in a Southern context, where more people are familiar with the Bible as a result of geographical "Bible-belt" culture, sometimes that is enough. But here it is most definitely not. I have been challenged both by students and by Joshua as he encourages me through and walks alongside me in situations and conversations with students to know the reasons. This is a slow growth process that has been put on steriods in my life recently because the culture requires that I know and that I can explain. 

Even though these past two months have been the most overwhelming and adjustment-filled of my life, I am grateful that He continues to work in me. Through it all, He is proving Himself Faithful in this place. An update of that nature still to come! 

Faithful through the Pain

As many of you know, these past weeks have held a myraid of emotions and struggle.  Von Rogers, one of my campus ministers through college and one of the campus ministers who mentored me last year, discovered that she had Hodgkin's Lymphoma in early June; though she tried very hard to fight through chemo, she went on to live in our sweet Savoir's presence on Monday, October 21st. 

These past few weeks have been a battle for me. The classic question of "Why does God take good people and leave the evil?" has been playing through my mind and heart. This is the first death of someone close to me where I've been far enough along in my faith to wrestle with the Lord and be honest with Him about my struggle. 

As I have sought answers this past week and a half, the Lord has continuously shown His power. Simply saying, "I'm way beyond what you can comprehend." This morning I finally found what I've been searching for in two scriptures that I would like to share with you all. 

The first is Job 9:12-16: 

"If He takes away...who can say to Him, "What are you doing?"

Yes. Hard as that is to accept, YES. 

Because He is a past-finding-out kind of God. 

The second scripture passage is Psalm 78:34-35: 

Through this scripture passage, the Lord showed me how Von's death has ultimately driven me to His presence like I haven't been driven in a long time. In a sense, God has used not only Von's life to impact me spiritually but her death as well. He has used it to remind me once more how much my heart longs for Him, how much I need Him, how much He has to be my EVERYTHING on this road of campus ministry. 

Von was my college Mama Junior and Senior year; her faith showed me the reality of Christ when I was struggling with my own faith.  She was with me when I realized that campus ministry was God's call on my life. She was my mentor and co-leader as I led my first missions trip with students. She was the one who first heard about my dreams and then who later looked up pictures of PSU with me to find the dreams were true. She was the first person to say she wanted to be a supporter. She always seemed to text me that she was praying for me about EXACTLY what was going on that day, even if I hadn't previously told her; she listened to the Spirit. And now, even though she cannot be physically be with me, she has sped me into my Father's presence once more. 

Thank you, sweet Von. I love you. You will always impact me. 

Thank You, Abba. I love You. You are too kind. You truly do things past finding out. 

Forever Amen and Amen.   

The Just Shall Live By Faith

Sometimes the pressure is unreal.

Being a missionary means to a lot of well-meaning people that you have it all together, that you have more faith than them, that you don't have days when you want to give up.

That's not true.

But still the pressure's there and so many of us in ministry conform. I've done it; I've witnessed others doing it around me. And if the people pleasing isn't bad enough, we soon start believing the lies ourselves.

Yesterday Pastor Levi preached about the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. If you need a refresher on the story, here's the scripture from Luke 18: 9-17:

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

As Pastor Levi began drawing attention to exactly what the Pharisee was saying, I had to be honest. That sounded a lot like me. The Pharisee was saying, "Look here, God. I did this and this and this and this for You. What are you going to do for me now?" Sometimes this summer, I've subconsciously thought, "Look, Lord. I've been meeting with churches and individuals all summer and I've been praying and I've been seeking to be faithful. Aren't You going to bring me to full support, now?"

Like He owes me anything.

"The just shall live by faith." (Rom 1:17) I've been wanting to live by the faith part so I'd look like I had it together but forgetting the just part. I am not just because of myself or my works. He took the pride, the doubt, the sinful desires, the fear---and changed them into righteousness. He was "merciful to me--the sinner!" Justification. The reason I can live by faith. Because He gave Himself for me and has shown Himself so Faithful. Not because I earned anything.  

That baby at the end of the parable whom Jesus said would enter the kingdom wasn't saying, "Look at all this stuff I've done for you, Jesus!" That baby was resting in the Everlasting Arms that created the world, living out the utter dependance that true faith brings. I want to be like that.

In these coming weeks leading up to my departure for Portland, I want to approach support-raising differently, to go back to what I originally had as my heart when I started this process before I got caught in the lie of performing worthiness instead of praising reliance.

"The just shall live by faith."

Yes, Lord. Thank You.

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How has performing worthiness crept into your thinking, your daily living, your ministry?
How can you pursue a praising reliance?

THIS Step

Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.

I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.

But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"

And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

And then I feel silly for worrying.

Sound familiar?

If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.

Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday. Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying "Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound.  (I wrote a poem this morning that captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog,  HERE.)

Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."

When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.

What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?

The Reality of Ministry: Deserts

Sometimes in ministry, we tend to try to beautify everything to make it seem like we, the leaders, have it all together. But allow me to let you in on a little secret. (We don't have it any more together than Joe Smith.)

And so sometimes we go through deserts in our spiritual walk. And oftentimes, those deserts seem to come at the most inopportune times imaginable.

Like right now.

You'd think that since I'm in the middle of support-raising for the ministry God has called me to and preparing to move across the country, readying to serve a week at camp soon, doing a Bible study with my little sisters and two friends, etc. that I would have my head in the clouds and my heart on the mountain tops. But sometimes the Lord doesn't work that way. He gives us dry spells to make us ever-aware of our desperate need for Him. And He waits for us to know ever more deep down in our souls that He is truly the only Water that can satisfy our thirsty, longing hearts.

As a partner with you in the gospel, I never want to become that lofty, "I'm-going-to-act-so-spiritual-so-you-don't-think-"why-are-we-supporting-her?" person. That doesn't give Jesus glory at all and is therefore, ridiculousness! So I'm committing right now to be real.

And right now the real world is this: I'm in a desert. And in a flood. All at once.

(If you're wondering what in the world I'm talking about, you can read my poem explaining here:  Desert Flood)

And yet the flip side of that real world is this: God is in the desert, too. And in the flood. He is the Sand Who exfoliates the dead skin cells of our heart and makes us soft and usable. He is the Living Water Who gives us strength to carry on. He is the Rock amidst the change. He is the Provider of every need. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is Joy. He is Man of Sorrows. He is Ever-Faithful Father. All at once.

Praise Him. Desert or no desert, it is well with my soul!