THIS Step

Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.

I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.

But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"

And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

And then I feel silly for worrying.

Sound familiar?

If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.

Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday. Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying "Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound.  (I wrote a poem this morning that captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog,  HERE.)

Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."

When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.

What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?

A Series of Divine Appointments

A few months back as Taylor and I sat at a high top table in Chick-fil-A studying about the life of David, I noticed a lady approaching our table. I looked up as she introduced herself. "I'm Judy," she said. "I just wanted to thank you girls for studying the Bible together today; it blesses my heart to see you sitting here." We smiled and talked with her for a few minutes about how God was working in our lives. Then she left to rejoin her family at a nearby table. I thanked the Lord for the small, encouraging moments but didn't think much of it.

A month later found me sitting in a different Chick-fil-A after another meeting. As I realized I needed to use the restroom before leaving, I clearly sensed the Spirit say, "Don't go to the restroom right now. Wait." I frowned. Why in the world did the Spirit care when I went to the bathroom? Still, I obliged. Five minutes later, He released me, and I scurried off. In the restroom, I noticed a lady washing her hands. As she turned to me, we recognized each other. After greeting me by name, she asked me, "What is going on in your life? I've been praying for you for a month. I've thought of you much because when I saw you in the Chick-fil-A before, I knew that the Lord is with you." I told her about support-raising. She asked to meet with me further in the near future and gave me her contact info.

I was so amazed at the way the Lord had worked! Just as I'd begun to struggle with support-raising again, He had sent a random stranger in the Chick-fil-A bathroom to ask to hear about my support-raising needs!

Two weeks later, Mrs. Judy got back with me and asked me to come to a ladies' retreat she was doing and share my Oregon story. I did. It was a beautiful weekend of sharing with women from all over GA and AL. I was encouraged and made good connections for future ministry. I felt like God was going above and beyond.

But oh, the Lord wasn't done!

However in the middle of awesome and even more awesome, I experienced the worst day of support-raising I've had all summer. I fell apart before the Lord last Tuesday in despair. It has been a long, stretching summer. I've encountered a lot of apathetic churches and received "no" for an answer more than not. Though God has provided so much, I was struggling with the remaining 35%. I felt like I was hitting walls in every single direction. I felt like I didn't know anyone else to speak with. I had received a no from yet another church. I was worried about September's rent, which I had to pay whether I finished support-raising and moved to Oregon or not. I was frustrated with trying to walk in obedience and feeling like God wasn't doing His part. Or at least I couldn't see it. That day found me flat on my floor crying and being honest with my ever-present Daddy.

Back to the ladies and Mrs. Judy.... not only did the Lord come through in those next 24 hours by using those sweet women to provide my first month's rent TO THE DOLLAR (without them even knowing I'd asked the Lord for it), but He also allowed with me to meet with three of them about my financial needs.

As I sat in the coffee shop with them talking about Oregon, Mrs. Judy handed me an envelope and asked me to read the card aloud. As I neared the bottom of the note, my eyes grew wide as I read the words, "You have women of God praying for you; we will be with you as you share your Portland ministry and vision on Victory 91.5."

"Say what?" I asked.

"Yes, I called them up and asked them to give you a slot. You'll be sharing soon live on the air."

I gulped.

Spirit was laughing. "Remember when you said you didn't know anyone else to talk to? Well, I know everyone. So you just need to chill!"

My mind flashed back to a dream I'd had the night before that I hadn't understood. I had been walking around and around a big white, Southern house. I hadn't known why I was walking around it or where it was but I realized in that moment that the house was the one that the radio station is based in. I had to smile. He was confirming His goodness and will. 

He is crazy!  I will be sharing tomorrow morning, Wednesday, August 28th, at 9AM on Victory 91.5, the Christian radio station for the North Georgia area. I appreciate your prayers not only for my nerves but also that I will speak the words Spirit wants me to speak as I share. Also please pray for the Lord to use this to bring specific individuals to my monthly financial team. I still have $1020/month to raise in 18 days. I am praying that the Lord might complete my financial team through this opportunity so that I can go! That's actually very do-able; if 21 individuals out of all who hear the radio broadcast committed to give $50/month, I would be at 100%! But, ultimately, pray that He will be glorified!

And if the Lord ever tells you to wait and go to the bathroom later... OBEY! =)

Trust Is Not a Feeling

Yesterday marked a month before I am to move to Portland. As I looked at the numbers this ($1100/month to raise in 29 days), I struggled to maintain confidence. As I received yet another "no" from a church this morning, I could help but look up into the face of my Heavenly Father and say, "Why, Daddy?"

His answer was short and simple. "Trust is not a feeling, my daughter. Trust is an action."

He lead me back to a memory from February 11th of this past year--the day a good friend, Kate, and I jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the Pacific Ocean at South Point, Hawaii.

I remembered the four-seconds of intense, exhausting emotions as the gravity pulled my body the full forty feet from the jump to the splash. I remembered looking out at the endless waves on the horizon and feeling small and insignificant. I remembered thinking "Whew! That's over!" as I bobbed back to the surface but then staring up the rusty ladder moving with every wave and realizing that the hardest part was yet to come. I remember getting stuck in fear halfway up the ladder and feeling like I'd be there for the rest of my life.

This was no different.

The gravity of concern pulls me downward at times. The waves make me seem small. When I think I'm almost at the end, everything halts for days and days. It's exhausting.

But trust is not a feeling. Trust is an action. Trust is jumping into the abyss of the unknown and believing that my Daddy's going to catch me at the bottom.

So I jump.

Let Wisdom Serve the City

The first thing I noticed on the Portland State campus when I visited was this:

 

In bold caps was the university's motto: "LET KNOWLEDGE SERVE THE CITY."

I remember talking with Jesus as we walked under it, thinking that the phrase was reflective of the hopelessness on campus, as if knowledge was the highest thing one could obtain. I knew right then that I was supposed to go to this place.

However, I hadn't really thought much of  that phrase until this past Monday night, when I had a chance to go back to the campus ministry I interned with this past year and be a part of their summer Bible study. Ken, my campus minister, shared about wisdom and the fear of the LORD.

He focused in on Proverbs 1: 7: " The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." Some people buck a bit at that verse. "Fear the LORD?" they say. "We shouldn't fear the LORD! God is loving and kind. He is forgiving. He wants us to experience joy and peace." Others say, "Yeah! That's what we need to do! This generation doesn't fear the LORD enough! They are all going to experience God's wrath!"

Both extreme attitudes are not what the scriptures are pointing us to. The no-fear, freedom model puts us in a position that disregards the need for the gospel, takes for granted the sacrifice of separation from the Father that Jesus made for us on the cross, and makes it easy to sin for we disregard it's weight by saying, "God will forgive me."  The all-fear model puts us in a position that disregards the beauty of the gospel, sends people running from the Father, and makes us judgmental, legalistic, and full of bitterness and anger. 

Think with me for a minute. 

The first word to ponder is FREEDOM. Make a mental list of some characteristics of God that give us freedom, that make it easier to trust in Him and be in relationship with Him.

Got your list? Well, here's some of mine (maybe you have others; please comment and share them!)...

I know I can have FREEDOM because God is:
Loving, gracious, merciful, kind, patient, peaceful, gentle, forgiving...

Now, another word for you--FEAR. Make another mental list of some characteristics of God that should lead us to fear Him. 

Here's my list:
I know I must FEAR because God is: 

holy, just, sovereign, perfect, righteous, my Maker, Sustainer of all life...

The Hebrew word for "fear" means to stand in awe of the Exalted. It doesn't mean to shake in dread and flee in terror. If we have that proper understanding of the word, we can understand how having the "fear of the LORD" doesn't separate us from a loving relationship of freedom in Christ Jesus. Rather, it gives us a proper perspective on Who the Father is as the perfect balance of Awe-Inspiring Exalted King and our Heavenly Daddy.

What does this have to do with Portland State, you ask?

Well, it is my great desire that students at Portland State come to know Jesus Christ and walk in a right relationship with Him. I Cor. 1: 30 says,

 "And because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption."

If the fear of the LORD--the attitude of reverence for the LORD we obtain as we rightly know His character--is the beginning of wisdom and the Wisdom of God is Jesus Christ and "Him crucified" (I Cor. 1:23), then our foundational principle as a campus ministry (and as believers in general) must be to teach the character of God.

And so I begin, as any writer would, to create a Bible study to use in the fall. Please pray for me as I brainstorm, write, edit, and prepare. My goal is to create a Bible study that would grab the attention of unchurched nonbelievers who have little to no knowledge of the scriptures, much less wisdom from believing the God of the scriptures. I want to answer the question, "Who is God?" and tell the attributes of God through story, incorporating both O.T. and N.T. stories in a narrative that teaches God's character, ultimately culminating with God's character of being "righteousness, sanctification, and redemption" (I Cor. 1:30). I've never written a Bible study for non-believers before. I know it is going to be quite the challenge for this Bible-belt, raised-with-Christian-jargon-from-the-womb, Southern girl to set aside all of that and try to imagine what is like to not understand who Abraham is or what the word "sanctification" means. I know I'm going to have to watch every word and tone I use; I don't want to talk over their heads or down to them. I need prayers for a lot of balance! It will be a challenge, but I know that I need this tool (and the practice) for the fall and so I begin!

And so I need your help! What is your favorite attribute of our God? And why? How does that attribute point toward the cross? Please comment and share, even if your favorite attribute is the same as someone else's! You never know how your comment might help jump-start my thoughts and set me off on a journey to tell some precious students about Jesus!

By the way, I got one more major thing out of Ken's Bible study the other day. I had been praying about a motto for our campus ministry. Now I have it!

"Let Wisdom Serve the City." 

"...We seek to impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away.  But we impart a secret and hidden Wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages ... As it is written, 'No eye has seen, nor has ear heard,  nor has the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him!"  (I Cor. 2: 6-7,9)

Yes, and Amen.

By His Grace Alone: How The Lord Called Me To Campus Ministry

When I tell my story to people, I normally share how the Lord called me to campus ministry in Oregon not necessarily how He called me to campus ministry in general. Today someone asked me that and I thought back on those two days that the Lord made it clear that campus ministry was the ministry field He wished to use me in.

Taylor and I meeting for Bible study on BCM's front lawn.

I think it started with Taylor Watson. That's typical, really. A lot of things have started with Taylor Watson for me this past nine months. (For those of you who do not know, Taylor is one of the girls I have had the incredible privilege to disciple this year. She is a new believer and an incredible, passionate, faith-filled woman of God. Every meeting with her challenges me to my core because she asks deep questions of the why behind the why, helping me take things I've believed and known for years and apply them to daily living in a way that helps me to return to my First Love. How thankful I am for her!)

And so Taylor and I were meeting on Tuesday, November 12 and she began asking me about the Christmas story. I soon realized no one had ever told her the full story. And it rocked my world. As the thoughts swirled through my brain and I tried to keep my mind focused so I could tell the story, I thought "she's 18; she grew up in Jasper. This isn't China! Where have the Christians been?"

When Taylor left BCM that day, I sat down and wept.  I was thrilled to have seen the joy and wonder with which she took in the Christmas story and to know that she knew about how Jesus had come to be Emmanuel. But I was also in despair because no one had told her before.

As I sobbed out to Abba my frustrations, I felt an ever-growing passion within me. In response to my grief, God answered, "These are the ones I've called you to, the ones I've given you a crazy love for; you'll do this again, over and over."

I think at that point I didn't really process what He was saying.  The next 24 hours were a blur. Someone close to some of Staff had died; several of the girls I was discipling had major things happen in their families; one of my best friend's grandmother was really sick; we were decorating the BCM House for our Parent's Night at Christmas and if something could go wrong, it had. Spending three hours trying to get a large wreath to hang from the 20 foot beam with braided floral wire was the straw that broke the camel's back. I went to the bathroom and laid flat on the tile. I told the Lord I couldn't take anything else that night. Just as I said that, I heard my name. Someone was calling for me and they brought me a crying Freshman. I remember looking up into Abba's face going, "Lord, we just talked about this. I can't give anymore." But He said, "Listen." So I did. And her story broke me even more. I didn't have the answers, I couldn't fix it all, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't.

But He could.

And so somehow, someway, I spoke words that only the Holy Spirit could've given my weary soul and mouth. They must have been of some comfort for she left with a smile.

I, on the other hand, laid on the floor of my bedroom, crying and questioning every calling to ministry I had ever experienced. And after I got it all out, after I told Him that I didn't know why in the world He chose to use me, after I told Him I didn't know anything about how to be a good campus minister, after I'd just shown that all the knowledge I had was diddly-squat, THEN He spoke again, "These are the ones I've called you to, the ones I've given you a crazy love for. You'll do this again, over and over."

And so here I am.  By His grace alone. Soon, in faith, to be a campus minister at Portland State University.

A campus minister who can't wait to tell the Christmas story!

The Reality of Ministry: Deserts

Sometimes in ministry, we tend to try to beautify everything to make it seem like we, the leaders, have it all together. But allow me to let you in on a little secret. (We don't have it any more together than Joe Smith.)

And so sometimes we go through deserts in our spiritual walk. And oftentimes, those deserts seem to come at the most inopportune times imaginable.

Like right now.

You'd think that since I'm in the middle of support-raising for the ministry God has called me to and preparing to move across the country, readying to serve a week at camp soon, doing a Bible study with my little sisters and two friends, etc. that I would have my head in the clouds and my heart on the mountain tops. But sometimes the Lord doesn't work that way. He gives us dry spells to make us ever-aware of our desperate need for Him. And He waits for us to know ever more deep down in our souls that He is truly the only Water that can satisfy our thirsty, longing hearts.

As a partner with you in the gospel, I never want to become that lofty, "I'm-going-to-act-so-spiritual-so-you-don't-think-"why-are-we-supporting-her?" person. That doesn't give Jesus glory at all and is therefore, ridiculousness! So I'm committing right now to be real.

And right now the real world is this: I'm in a desert. And in a flood. All at once.

(If you're wondering what in the world I'm talking about, you can read my poem explaining here:  Desert Flood)

And yet the flip side of that real world is this: God is in the desert, too. And in the flood. He is the Sand Who exfoliates the dead skin cells of our heart and makes us soft and usable. He is the Living Water Who gives us strength to carry on. He is the Rock amidst the change. He is the Provider of every need. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is Joy. He is Man of Sorrows. He is Ever-Faithful Father. All at once.

Praise Him. Desert or no desert, it is well with my soul!

The Skeptic's Club Encouraged Me In Campus Ministry

"If someone had taken the time Freshman year to explain to me how God could actually be real or answered my questions about science and the Bible in Sunday School, I might still believe. But now? Now I have science; that's all I need."
~Elgin, Atheist from the North GA Skeptic's Club

Few moments have confirmed my call to campus ministry to me more than the moment when Elgin shared the above statement with us in Skeptic's Club a few weeks ago. I first decided to go to Skeptic's Club back in January when the Lord told me I was supposed to go "outside the camp [my comfort zone and Christian bubble], bearing His reproach." (Hebrews 13:13) I went to listen at first, just to give them a section of my day and understand why they believe what they believe. Then the Lord opened doors to share the gospel in crazy ways!

Skeptic's Club discussions

This was the last meeting of the semester and my friend Taylor and I expected there to be a large turn-out for Skeptics, as they were picking their officers for next year. Instead, God had a different plan. Only Elgin showed. So we sat and talked about science and God for the next two hours with this Atheist who had once led worship at his church as a youth but had been disillusioned by his upper-level science classes. All I could think as I sat there was "if someone had taken the time Freshman year...if someone had taken the time Freshman year....if someone had taken the time Freshman year...I might still believe." 

This is who the Lord has called me to go to. Those mold-able college students who have never heard the truth and who need REAL answers.  Those precious Freshman who have grown up in church but are struggling to make sense of how the Truth of the Bible and the World's Philosophy fit together (or don't). Those seeking Sophomores who are beginning to grow cold toward anything religious because no one will take the time to explain or talk to them like they are adults. Those stretched Juniors who are feeling the pressures of upper-level classes, relationships, or family life. Those stressed Seniors who are choosing their life work, who want to do something that matters in this world but aren't really sure if anything truly matters anymore.

These are who God has called me to love. And I'm so very glad!

I never thought when I began going to the N. GA. Skeptics Club that I would one day say I'd miss those rascals. But I do. They have taught me more than they know about how to defend truth and how much I need Jesus! God has used them to break down pride in my life and to show me that I didn't know what I was talking about so He could rebuild me by His Word. They have helped me learn a small piece of what it means to be Jesus' hands and feet. I have loved it!

I recently joined the Facebook page for the Portland State University Skeptics Club. I know what I'm going to be doing with Wednesday afternoons come September! I couldn't be happier!

Pray for:
--those who heard truth in Skeptics club this year, knowing that the Lord's word does not return to Him void.
--those students who will continue to reach out in Skeptic's club next year. Pray that not only would he prepare those who are willing now but also raise up more people to love on them for the kingdom!
--those in the PSU Skeptic's Club whom the Lord will give me opportunity to engage with in a few short months, that He will already begin preparing them to hear and receive the truth.
--me as I prepare to be "ready to give an answer" over the summer. I am currently reading a book called 5 Minute Apologetics for Today and studying the scriptures and science topics found within it so I can be better able to share answers from both a rational and Biblical, informed perspective.