Faithful through the Pain

As many of you know, these past weeks have held a myraid of emotions and struggle.  Von Rogers, one of my campus ministers through college and one of the campus ministers who mentored me last year, discovered that she had Hodgkin's Lymphoma in early June; though she tried very hard to fight through chemo, she went on to live in our sweet Savoir's presence on Monday, October 21st. 

These past few weeks have been a battle for me. The classic question of "Why does God take good people and leave the evil?" has been playing through my mind and heart. This is the first death of someone close to me where I've been far enough along in my faith to wrestle with the Lord and be honest with Him about my struggle. 

As I have sought answers this past week and a half, the Lord has continuously shown His power. Simply saying, "I'm way beyond what you can comprehend." This morning I finally found what I've been searching for in two scriptures that I would like to share with you all. 

The first is Job 9:12-16: 

"If He takes away...who can say to Him, "What are you doing?"

Yes. Hard as that is to accept, YES. 

Because He is a past-finding-out kind of God. 

The second scripture passage is Psalm 78:34-35: 

Through this scripture passage, the Lord showed me how Von's death has ultimately driven me to His presence like I haven't been driven in a long time. In a sense, God has used not only Von's life to impact me spiritually but her death as well. He has used it to remind me once more how much my heart longs for Him, how much I need Him, how much He has to be my EVERYTHING on this road of campus ministry. 

Von was my college Mama Junior and Senior year; her faith showed me the reality of Christ when I was struggling with my own faith.  She was with me when I realized that campus ministry was God's call on my life. She was my mentor and co-leader as I led my first missions trip with students. She was the one who first heard about my dreams and then who later looked up pictures of PSU with me to find the dreams were true. She was the first person to say she wanted to be a supporter. She always seemed to text me that she was praying for me about EXACTLY what was going on that day, even if I hadn't previously told her; she listened to the Spirit. And now, even though she cannot be physically be with me, she has sped me into my Father's presence once more. 

Thank you, sweet Von. I love you. You will always impact me. 

Thank You, Abba. I love You. You are too kind. You truly do things past finding out. 

Forever Amen and Amen.   

To Be A Little Different

The crazy people were in the Park Blocks today. And by "crazy people", I don't mean the mentally instable. I mean these people--

Some of you might be thinking, "That's awesome! They are acting unashamed of their faith and preaching the gospel on the streets." 

But no. Quite the opposite. Because Portland doesn't know Christianity as Jesus. Portlanders know Christianity and Jesus as "the crazy people-haters." Portlanders are well aware of these people and their tactics. Portlanders' responses are not interest or heart-change. Their response is either walking past quickly or yelling back openly. And the street preachers' responses to such are no better; they fall to faulty arguments and sweeping generalizations and treat people with no respect. 

The Park Blocks are public green space that runs down the middle of campus. As public property, they are a free speech area. Many different groups come to rally their cause. As I walked into the Park Blocks this afternoon and saw and heard the ruckus, my heart was saddened. I meandered in and out of the crowd, talking with students. "What do you think of what that guy is saying?" I would ask. Then patiently listen as they spat out anger and bitterness. Afterward, I would be able to share with them about the life Jesus brought me--not just death and judgment. Death is Satan's thing: judgment is God's thing. Life, through His mercy, is my thing.  My job is to share hopeful truth. And my desire is to share through meaningful, respectful relationships with those who want answers. But I don't have answers. It is tempting for me to get out my spiritual hammer and nail people by telling them all the things they are doing that aren't right. But I'm learning that always backfires, and I end up hitting my own fingers. I'm just as imperfect, only I have the Spirit living within me to give me life. It's all Him. Not me. 

As I talked with people in the crowd, I met Macy and Jared, Josh and David--all students who needed Jesus. Each of them left me with the comment, "You are a different Christian." I thought back to one of my first conversations with my agnostic roommate in which she made the comment. "We were worried you were going to be like the people in the Park Blocks. We thought you were going to be weird. But you're a different kind of weird than we thought." 

How are you being "a different kind of weird" in your cultural context? I would love to hear your stories! 

A Glimpse of Need

It is so, so good to finally be making a post from the City of Roses! Hello from Portland! 

The past few days have held many little conversations, new directors' training, friendship building, and campus exploring so we can know where we are. Students will begin moving in on Saturday. I move into my dorm on Monday. Though I absolutely LOVE my host family, I cannot wait to be on campus! 

Today Joshua and I explored the inside of several buildings. One of the rooms we discovered was the meditation/prayer room. Going there was the most sobering part of my day. Around the room, there were various meditation stations. Many of the tables included notecards where students could ask questions or post their spiritual thoughts. As I read them, the Spirit was so sad within me yet so glad. Sad because of the deep lostness that saturates this campus like no where I've ever been. Glad because I have the Truth and a mouth and hands and feet to share it with! How much confirmation of my call these provided!

I took pictures of some of the cards so you can get a feel for some of the lostness as well. These are just a few; there were 100+ more notecards like these. I only saw 2 that actually spoke truth. Please join me in praying over these precious, confused ones! 

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

"Hey, Miriam," Kate said. "What if you have to get on a plane without knowing about support and trust that He'll provide as you fly?"

I cringed, thinking, "Lord, please no." Aloud, I said, "Well, I had a dream about that, but I'm still hoping it's not true..."

As many of you know, I have four days until I am to be on a plane headed to Portland! I still have 18% ($545) left to raise.

On Monday, I paid a final visit to see my old North Georgia BCM. Everyone I encountered wanted to know one thing big thing-- WHEN are you leaving? Throughout the night, I kept saying, "Well, I've been aiming for the 15th, but I may have to put that off a bit." And every time I said it, I felt the Spirit saying, "You're not trusting me, again."

After the meeting, I felt strongly that I should read in Ezekiel, that the Lord would give me direction. I told the Lord that Ezekiel seemed like a weird place to find an answer, especially as I read more and more on judgment and angels. I wanted to stop when I had read chapters 1-10 and hadn't gotten anything clear, but the Spirit was so sad when I started to close my Bible that I couldn't stop. I finally found 12: 21-24, 26-28:

And the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, “Son of man, what is this proverb that you have about the land of Israel, saying, ‘The days grow long, and every vision comes to nothing’? Tell them therefore, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: I will put an end to this proverb, and they shall no more use it as a proverb in Israel.’ But say to them, The days are near, and the fulfillmentfn of every vision...For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days,I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord GOD.” For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed. It will no longer be delayed, but in your days, I will speak the word and perform it, declares the Lord GOD.” “Son of man, behold, they of the house of Israel say, ‘The vision that he sees is for many days from now, and he prophesies of times far off.’ Therefore say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: None of my words will be delayed any longer, but the word that I speak will be performed, declares the Lord GOD.”

It seemed clear that the Lord was telling me to not postpone my leave date. In fact, I felt a little like this might mean a Abraham and Isaac sacrifice moment--having to obey while trusting He would provide After talking with wise people in my life whom I trust walk with God, I decided to buy a plane ticket. For Sunday.

I will be landing in Portland on Sunday at 2PM (PST)!

Yes, it's a little scary to be stepping out and waiting on the Lord to catch me. Yes, I can get those human feelings of "I should probably help Him out a little." But, as a sweet friend shared with me out of A. W. Tozer's The Knowledge of the Holy yesterday:

"Since He is the Being supreme over all, it follows that God cannot be elevated. Nothing is above Him, nothing beyond Him. Any motion in His direction is elevation for the creature; away from Him, descent. He holds His position out of Himself and by leave of none. As no one can promote Him, so no one can degrade Him. It is written that He upholds all things by the word of His power. How can He be raised or supported by the things He upholds?"

 So I release myself to Him. "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." (Ps. 63:8)

Please pray that He will provide (as He already planned to do), that I would have peace and wisdom as I wrap up ends here in Georgia, pack, and spend last days with my family, that I will have opportunities to share His name through safe and uneventful travel, and that Joshua and I will have direction about where we're taking things on campus these first few weeks. There will be a New Director's Meeting for those of us who are beginning campus ministries in the NorthWest area, Monday morning in Portland. I'm excited to finally begin!

Interview on Victory 91.5/Moving Update

As you might remember from reading A Series of Divine Appointments, the Lord gave me an opportunity to share my Portland story on Victory 91.5. Here is a recording of the radio broadcast. Please share it with family and friends!

As for a moving date update, I am still hoping to leave for Oregon on the 15th but still need to raise 24% ($720/month in commitments) between now and then. Please be praying that He will provide in crazy ways through His people! I am in contact with several churches and individuals but I will need a few more contacts before this is complete. I will need His provision, direction, and wisdom very much in these next seven days if I am to reach Portland by Sunday a week from tomorrow!



(Credit for the radio broadcast goes to Victory 91.5 and David and LeAnna Stein; you can visit their webpage at: http://victory915.com)

The Just Shall Live By Faith

Sometimes the pressure is unreal.

Being a missionary means to a lot of well-meaning people that you have it all together, that you have more faith than them, that you don't have days when you want to give up.

That's not true.

But still the pressure's there and so many of us in ministry conform. I've done it; I've witnessed others doing it around me. And if the people pleasing isn't bad enough, we soon start believing the lies ourselves.

Yesterday Pastor Levi preached about the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. If you need a refresher on the story, here's the scripture from Luke 18: 9-17:

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

As Pastor Levi began drawing attention to exactly what the Pharisee was saying, I had to be honest. That sounded a lot like me. The Pharisee was saying, "Look here, God. I did this and this and this and this for You. What are you going to do for me now?" Sometimes this summer, I've subconsciously thought, "Look, Lord. I've been meeting with churches and individuals all summer and I've been praying and I've been seeking to be faithful. Aren't You going to bring me to full support, now?"

Like He owes me anything.

"The just shall live by faith." (Rom 1:17) I've been wanting to live by the faith part so I'd look like I had it together but forgetting the just part. I am not just because of myself or my works. He took the pride, the doubt, the sinful desires, the fear---and changed them into righteousness. He was "merciful to me--the sinner!" Justification. The reason I can live by faith. Because He gave Himself for me and has shown Himself so Faithful. Not because I earned anything.  

That baby at the end of the parable whom Jesus said would enter the kingdom wasn't saying, "Look at all this stuff I've done for you, Jesus!" That baby was resting in the Everlasting Arms that created the world, living out the utter dependance that true faith brings. I want to be like that.

In these coming weeks leading up to my departure for Portland, I want to approach support-raising differently, to go back to what I originally had as my heart when I started this process before I got caught in the lie of performing worthiness instead of praising reliance.

"The just shall live by faith."

Yes, Lord. Thank You.

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How has performing worthiness crept into your thinking, your daily living, your ministry?
How can you pursue a praising reliance?

THIS Step

Waiting is really difficult for this girl to grasp.

I've never liked it. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you're like me and you fight against in with all that's within you till you just fall in a heap and cry.

But my Daddy's always there. And He always says the same thing, "Trust."

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I get a little frustrated with that answer. I scream, "Trust?! TRUST? That's easy for You to say. You know everything!"

And then He says, oh so calmly, "Yes. Yes, I do."

And then I feel silly for worrying.

Sound familiar?

If it does, you might understand a bit of why this part of the support-raising journey is difficult. I see Him work in crazy ways--like getting to speak on the radio about Portland with many, many listeners; I pray for Him to use it to bring people to my support team and get all excited about the possibility of completing my team to go...and then not one person contacts me because of it. And then I get all worried again. Then I see the 30% hanging above my head and I wonder what will happen. I'm only human.

Sometimes it feels like there's a window that I can see Portland from but can't get to it. Unless I break the window. So I think about doing that, try to find my own way. Yesterday, in a short-lasting whim of independence, I decided to look for jobs in Portland and forget the support-raising business. I searched Craigslist specifically for "freelance writing jobs in Portland, Oregon." The first three jobs that appeared in the search results were not freelance writing jobs AT ALL; in fact, any one who knows me even a little bit will find them as comical as the Spirit and I did yesterday. Their titles were: "Calculus Tutor Needed", "Experienced Hang-Gliding Instructor Wanted", and "Become a Surrogate Mother." Can you tell the Lord was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Yeah. He was saying "Trust" again. He also added that broken windows badly wound.  (I wrote a poem this morning that captures these feelings, as well. You can read it at my poem blog,  HERE.)

Then last night in my frantic, "I don't know what's happening and I just want to walk in obedience and God isn't giving me a path" state, He gives me a dream of the PSU campus, again. At first it seems a little cruel, since I want to be there so much very soon and it looks more impossible support-wise every single day. But then Spirit points out the beauty. It was PSU's campus, for sure. I was walking along the sidewalk toward a group of students. But nothing was moving around me. I looked harder at the sidewalk in front of me. Why wasn't God providing the strength and energy for the next step? Why wasn't He letting me go? I sat down crying. Wasn't I trying to obey? Then I heard it. The quiet sigh beside me. I looked to my right and saw Jesus sitting on the doorstep even with my spot on the sidewalk. His eyes were kind and intentional. "Won't you notice me on your path? It would make the path more beautiful and your burden lighter for that next step, just like when you see a friend in the morning it makes the rest of the day easier. I even stopped the sidewalk to help you out and all you are doing is trying to run."

When I woke from my dream this morning, I couldn't forget it. I still don't like the wait. I still want to be finished with the support-raising stage. I still want to know what is going on in the next 16 days and whether I need to buy a plane ticket for the 15th. But I'm seeking to notice where Jesus is standing nearby on THIS step of the journey. This step that, for me, includes beginning to pack boxes in faith.

What's your very own THIS step? Where is Jesus standing on it?